The Daughter I never knew

Her Day

16 October

Today is her; my daughter's birthday, a bittersweet occasion as it also marks the day she passed away. The cause was deeply tied to her surroundings, including my presence. Upon receiving the news, I was in disbelief. Yet, when I reflected on our shared memories, I found myself asking, 'What could have led her to this decision?

When the funeral was held and even after that day, whoever would come to meet us, her friend, her teacher or many other people, I always think who are those because she never mentioned them or maybe she didn't wanted to mention them. Some of her friends came and cried more than anyone in the family, more than her mom and more than me! oh right I never cried. I did feel something little is missing but this feeling was so dull, I didn't feel anything. Her friends blamed us, my wife and me.

Why?

When Kera was alive. She said if she dies, she wants all her belongings in a big box which will stay by the house. I didn't even look at her belongings, I didn't even know what belonged to her. Her mom took away everything connected to her not because what Kera wishes for but because she didn't want to see her own daughter's memories living by.

I didn't react to anything; didn't feel numb or sore. Kera's friend, Jack handed over a diary and opened a specific page stating ' If I would be gone, I want my mom and dad to visit my friend and ask about me. '

Jack had red eyes not because of crying but because he was looking at me and her mom angrily as if he would kill us in any moment. 

' You might be thinking how to cover up the suicide of your daughter as it would ruin your reputation ' Said Jack and left without wasting any minute with us. It was the first time I heard his name and saw his face as I never knew Kera's friend. I, myself didn't stay by the place of funeral; I had work to do.

Kera's mom, my wife couldn't stand. The son of mine who was younger than Kera also cried, and I was just standing. I was at my work as I can't take a leave or maybe I just didn't want to waste my time on someone who is gone.

Many people came by everyone said she was such a cheerful person!!
She always helped me!
She was soo talented!
She always smiled!

She is this ...she is that ... she is your beautiful daughter no one could have!!!

Kera had many people in her life, whose faces I never even saw, whose names I have never heard. I didn't know she was a cheerful person or maybe I never noticed that. As she was gone, it felt like, no I could actually see how world is broken without her but why I can still stand, why only I can't feel anything about the person they were talking about?

Who were they talking about??

Who is the girl? They are talking that - Kera? Why she is different from the one I know. Oh yeah! I never knew the daughter!

' Everyone is blaming us! everyone ! I can't stand her friends or people. We have to move from here ' my wife started whining as she did for whole two months after Kera's death.

Kera was a teenager, she turned eighteen this year, but I never knew her age or her birthday. She would always ask and laughed how I don't remember it. Five months passed away, we didn't move.

When someone asked how she died, I would say it was an accident, but it was a suicide. Reason? I don't know.

Strangely I never had thoughts about my daughter but one day I got this dream where she cried, everything was so vivid but still I didn't ask the reason. But it continued and the dairy came again and again.

I asked a trusted pandit (priest in Hindu religion) a junior of mine from the village I belonged too for help, but he had an unreasonable logic. He said I should ask her and if I can't, I should follow her book. The one, Jack threw up on our face but her mother put that book away in the box of memories. 

Got home, hit the sack, but woke up in the middle of the night out of tiredness in mind. Opened the box, pulled out the book, and read the line 'Meet my people' again and again in the whole page. 

Should I really have to go? Just because I kept having a stupid dream? I asked myself and then more month passed but the dream didn't. Her drawings or book pages would come in dreams. Filling pages on its own in a big pitch black void. 

' Well! Well! Guess who showed up! ' Said Jack

' Jack! Go inside ' his mother said to him. As I came by his house, he was staring at me and said ' I know you didn't read her things or even touched it. Probably your wife forced you. '

' Now a stranger would tell me about Kera?' I glared.

' Yes! Because the stranger knows more than her own mother and Father '

You!!!! It got on my nerves

' You can't even say ' My daughter ', can you?' said Jack

' I'm here because you wanted me too. '

Jack taunted me saying it took me whole one year as it was October month again. One year feeling nothing. Jack sat in front of me, stretching his legs. I didn't know Kera was friends with these kinds of people; so shameless. 

He asked me did I knew the reason she killed herself? Did I know that she loved her life at the same time she hated it - Did I know her stories? Did I know her songs? Did I know what she painted? Did I know her meanings for everything she does? Did I knew--

' NOOO! I DON'T KNOW ALRIGHT '

I know said Jack. He looked back at me saying that's what she wanted you to know but after death because she knew you won't be there when she thought about you.

' Now it's your job, to find what she wants you to find - her meanings. ' He added further

I didn't stay any longer. What does he want me to do? Meanings? Meanings of what?

Meaning of her life which she ended??