The Daughter I never knew

Meaning Of Her

It's been one year, I still didn't want to know about Kera because it won't change anything. It's waste of time. More months passed but nothing changed. The dream, my empty feelings, my thoughts.

As I came after my job, I saw my son in his room opening the box and her writings.  He cried even though he was not close to her sister. Kera was never close to anyone in her family. As he slept, I walked in and read few lines, saw her paintings and remembered how she tried everything-

' Papa! I made this. ' A voice came in my mind as it gave the glimpse of it when she was little, she would come cheerful but as she knew  how I would react she would hesitate to say but I realize it now.  I realize it how she wanted me to compliment her, but I never did. If only I could have said more than ' It's good ' maybe she would have drawn more.

' Dad?' said my son

' You know your sister doesn't like to touch her drawing ' I stopped and asked, ' I heard she have written stories, where are those?'

My son told me she wrote it on Wattpad, I never heard of it. I saw her dialogue books too which I couldn't understand as it was childish and a teenage romance story and fantasy. I took a leave and read her stories knowing it's waste of time and wandered she never told me she wrote so many stories. Maybe because she knew I won't read it anyway.

I read ....

and read ......

and read... 

I was wasted but I saw something in common in every story of her. The main character was distant by the family. She named her Kera, her own identity. Every story stated her friends being close but far away from her family. She wrote so many things which felt more like her than fiction. The one which made my ears ringing was ' I tried. '

She stated by the story, for the character about how she tried and tried and stopped. Maybe she is still trying but she doesn't know. She wrote the scene which I was familiar with, that story part made me go in past and realize what she wanted me to say but never did.

Her friends were disgusted by us because she wrote in her letter how her mother treated her, how I was unsatisfied by what she did. She wrote ' Your burden is gone but I swear I will haunt your dreams and memories because I never felt like you were my parents. I hated you and always will. '

Should I go back in time? but I thought what for? To make things, right? That's not me. I didn't even cry or had feel heavy of her death. I realized how I always said My son but not My daughter when we were outside meeting clients. I realized how people would assume and I would just nod even she never told people about me being her dad.  

After some time the dream changed a little, but it was even worse. She cried and cried looking at us, blaming for everything. Yes, she is haunting the dreams and memories. My wife is haunted by Kera memories.

' We have been cursed by her ' Said Misa, my wife.

I didn't even know she was on social media even after I restricted her. But what's the point now? She never obeyed me! She posted her pictures, people commented. She had already blocked me and family members. Entered by a different name to the social sites. She was so naive yet her picture in people's mind is different from mine.

Every night just for one second, I would open the box and look at the drawings and writing to know the meaning. The only meaning I understood was she wanted everything to be together, to know how she felt.

Her draws I still couldn't understand. I know it's a feeling but what feeling.

' She wanted to be protected ' her friend Ruby said. As everyone was visiting us as it was Kera's birthday and the death day. They didn't talk to anyone but then they started talking what she meant. They told me they themselves doesn't know more of the drawings but by the stories she has wrote, they can easily solve her riddles. One of them mentioned how she hated her mom and other people but still was alive for a long time.

Back in time, Kera stated in her book where she used to write her feelings. She said that if she could go back in time maybe she would be a better daughter then as she would remember and make things right.

' Back in time ' I mumbled. I slept and felt cold wind around me, every sound made me go deeper in my sleep; I saw a door in the void this time. Walking slowly yet hastily to it as if it will lead me to someplace. I open the door and found myself in my previous house, where everything started. I saw Kera locking herself in the bathroom because me and my wife were fighting. She was about seven or eight years old then. That was the first phase I experienced.

' Don't fight! What should I do ' Kera cried in the bathroom pulling her hairs when suddenly she looked at me and the mirror behind me broke. The loud echo of her cry made my ear pain and so does the mirror pieces hitting my back when the second phase came, the dream collapsed. New walls came, it was the new house when we back in time  thought everything is good now. 

She was in eight grade now! little taller now with her hairs long to her waist.

It was night, everyone was sleeping but she was awake crying and pulling her hairs, hiding her face, covering her ears, scratching her hand and neck.

' What are you doing ' I said but she couldn't hear me

I couldn't understand what state I am in. I never had a dream but after Kera died, I'm having weird dreams. Now I'm stuck in a phase I never thought of.

All the painful memories were live in front of me. All could I do was stand and see. There was also a phase which had happened in walking life too where she was crying in front of me, but I didn't ask her why she was crying. That happened twice but I never could ask her. That happened when she was giving me feet massage after I had a long day. 

For some reason when Kera used to massage and gave acupressure I would feel better but the twice I have seen her cry I never asked her the reason!

' So , that kind of father I was ' I mumbled

The thing is she cried every night when we were asleep , every evening when we were out but every time we come back or see her , she just smiles and walk away . I saw the memory of her with my wife , I didn't knew what was going in this house . But thinking what how she was and now I ask myself 

' Who is she ? She is Kera ? Kera? '

I forgot a daughter of mine 

She was the daughter I never knew !