DESIDERIUM

eleven

"I'm sorry," is the first thing I tell Tristan the next day while sitting on some rocks we found in the woods.

He looks at me and then back into the forest, sighing after few seconds.

"I'm the one that should be sorry," he says, but I immediately start shaking my head no, trying to tell him that there's nothing that he could be sorry for.

I don't let him continue, just start rambling out of nowhere.

"No... no. I'm the one that completely... completely abandoned you–" he tries to cut me off but I keep going, "just let me say this. I-I didn't think about your feelings and the situation you were put in once. I was just thinking of myself and how bad this would be for me but not for you. And I'm so sorry, Tristan. I'm genuinely sorry, because you were the only one there for me when I had no one. When I had absolutely nothing. And I just–"

This time he does cut me off with a firm and stern voice. I let him, because words would never be enough to make people understand what I feel.

"You didn't abandon me, Rafael. You did what a normal eighteen year old would do in a situation like this. You weren't selfish, you just had to deal with your own shit and that's completely fine. You don't need to look out for me, I'm fully capable of doing so myself."

"I just want you to know how much I appreciate you," I mumble, fumbling with my sweater.

He was the only one there for me when I had nothing left. He was the one that thought me how to get control over my wolf. Who stayed up with me after one of my nightmares. Who just simply took me in without any questions asked.

Sure, he had to warm up to me and sometimes I was convinced he was just another person that saw me as a burden but that changed.

"I do, believe me. There's still no reason for you to feel sorry about anything, Rafael. I don't know how you even came up with this. You don't need to take care of me, that's not your job."

Maybe, but truth is, that he needs someone to look out for him just as much as everyone else needs that person.

"I don't need to, but I want to."

I give him a small smile, to which he offers me one of his rare ones back. Putting his arm around me he ruffles my hair and I laugh, shoving him away a little.

"Now, let's train."

*

The training went well, really well, and it felt good to finally let off some steam. My wolf agrees in my head and I smile a little, happy that he seems to feel good today, too.

Constantly being on the edge hasn't been good for either of us.

That smile quickly fades off my face tho, when I see Alpha Cedric and Luna Adele in the living room of my mates house.

Instead, my usual impassive look slips on almost automatically and the content feeling I felt a few seconds ago vanishes.

Levi immediately stands up, once he feels the tension rise and walks over to me, giving me a what probably should've been a reassuring smile, coming to a halt next to me.

"Cedric and Adele came to visit unexpectedly," he announces and I nod at them, in a form of greeting, "they actually wanted to talk to you about something."

That's when Alpha Cedric stands up and walks over to me, holding his hand out.

"Rafael, it's good to see you again," I doubt it actually is.

"You too, Alpha Cedric, Luna Adele," I speak, shaking his head for barely even two seconds.

I hope I addressed them the right way. I look for validation in Levis's face and he gives me a small nod and of course also one of his sweet smiles.

"Nonsense, please," Adele speaks up and walks over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder, "you know you're not supposed to address us by our titles. Old titles at that."

Of course, I immediately stiffened, once she put her hand on my shoulder, and even if everyone in this room noticed, no one shows or acknowledges it.

I frown a little at her words, not expecting her to be kind to me, not after what she saw me doing to one of her pack members.

It's true that I started to call them by their first names when I was about twelve, at their request. Their explanation was, that I was like a third son to them, of course after Adrian and Levi, which made my heart swell with love at the time, now it just leaves me feeling empty.

About to protest and tell them that I don't think I want to call them by their first name, I decide against it and simply nod my head in understanding.   

"Right, so, we came here because..." they look at each other for a few seconds, seemingly debating something before Adele speaks up again, "your uncle... Ray, he asked if it was possible to see you again? Talk to you about what happened?"

My whole body freezes already when I hear her say his name, every good feeling I felt today leaving my body, my wolf on alert almost immediately.

I don't even recognize my own voice when a monotone, yet disbelieving what leaves my mouth.

"I know it's something that may be difficult for... for everyone, that's why we came here to discuss it first. He... he seemed pretty adamant about it and we thought it was nice, that he is willing..." she clears her throat when, she notices the tense air around her and shifts closer to her mate.

"...willing to talk to me after what I did to him," I finish her sentence and start taking a few steps backward.

"That's not how I meant it, Rafael," she tries, but I shake my head, and even try to give her a smile because this... this whole messed-up situation isn't her fault, is it?

How could she know that my uncle just wants to talk to me, to make sure I keep quiet about what really happened?

"Rafael, you're shaking," Levi frowns when he takes a step closer to me, but that only makes me take a step back, shutting my eyes tightly for a few seconds.

"I just... I need to think for a few seconds," I say, backing off further out the room, catching Adrians' gaze, whose eyes watch my every move attentively.

"I'm sorry, I just-" I turn around and leave the house, running back into the woods where I just came from only a short amount of time ago.