DESIDERIUM

twenty six

I'm not the one that answers Adrian, Levi is.

"No," he snaps almost immediately, his voice cold as ice and let's just say I'm completely thrown off guard by this.

I don't think he ever spoke to Adrian like that before. Or to anyone, really.

And to be completely honest, I'm still processing the fact that I kissed Levi. I kissed him. Like, on the lips. And he kissed me too. On the lips.

Goddess I'm such an fucking idiot.

Instead of resolving our issues I'm going around sharing kisses with the people that hurt me the most?

I seriously regret sending Tristan away now.

Do I regret the kiss tho? Not really. Or kinda. I don't know... fuck, my mind is a mess.

This isn't good. This is not the way I wanted things to work out between us. I don't know how I wanted them to work out, but not like this.

I hate emotions.

"Rafael, please," Adrian pleads, actually pleads and for a second I have to ask myself if I'm not in the wrong movie.

Then I realize, when have I ever not been?

Just as Levi is about to respond for me again, I kinda snap at him, "if I let you in, it's only fair to let him in as well."

Oh. Where did that come from? At the hurt puppy eyes he's immediately giving me I start feeling bad, but I just exhale loudly to maintain my cool and get out of bed, in to the other corner of the room.

His proximity makes my mind all fuzzy, as if it isn't fuzzy enough already.

"To be honest, I never wanted to see you again, Adrian," I call out, loud enough for him to hear and again, holy fuck, where did that come from?

I don't know what it is, maybe it's the kiss, or maybe it's the fact that Tristan knows what my uncle did to me, or maybe it's just... I don't know, the fact that they kicked me out of their fucking pack or that I saw my uncle, sorry, not my uncle, again? No matter what it is, something just really set me off because I'm really starting to get fucking angry.

And that's when I notice it's not just me that's angry, but also my wolf, who has been trying to hold it back, but he's practically fuming.

And not just at our mates but at me? Oh hell no.

What the fuck is your problem? I think to him, low-key offended that he's mad at me, when the last few days he hasn't been there almost at all.

And, you know, it's kinda difficult to argue with a part of yourself that you can't communicate with through words, because he's a fucking animal living inside my head and occasionally running around as a wolf whenever I let him.

Why are you mad? I ask myself again, but he just huffs, as if I'm completely helpless and hopeless case, making me feel like an idiot.

"I know. Just please let me explain," and I almost forgot about that. Adrian seriously sounds like he's on the verge of a mental breakdown. But I still don't want to let him in.

This time when my wolf makes himself known I get the massage clearly. Something along the lines of oh but you want to kiss him.

And I'm left speechless again. Th-that's why you're mad?

I can't fucking believe him. He's the one that's been dreaming about kissing them for so long and now he's mad at me for actually doing it?

Reading my wolf is something I could barely do, but the last two years Tristan really helped me connect to my wolf and that's probably why I get why he's mad at me all of a sudden.