DESIDERIUM

thirty four

Of course, I ran off into the woods, after Cedric and Tristan decided that they're tortured me enough with questions.

Of course, he apologized about ten thousand times more and the guilt in his eyes didn't fade one but. He's probably beating himself up.

If this is how he reacts, I don't know how my mates will take it. Not well, that's for sure. But I don't want to think about that right now.

Not ever, if I'm being entirely honest.

My wolf has been awfully quiet, so after a while of me just walking around, I let him take over, so he can let off some steam.

He often feels guilty for what he did. He feels guilty because he did, but he also feels guilty that he didn't do anything about it sooner.

Which is just a shitty combination if you ask me.

Feeling guilty for what he did, thinking that everything that came after was his fault, but feeling just as guilty for not doing anything sooner, because he believes it's his fault for not being stronger for me.

If only he understood that I would've never made it this far without him.

Yes, we had a rocky start, and both his and mine anger was in the way of us really bonding, but I wouldn't have survived all this without him.

I mean, I'm the one that didn't say anything, right? I should be the one to blame. I could've stopped it sooner. I really could have.

I'm still not sure that the only reason I didn't is because I didn't want to lose the only family I had left. Maybe I just felt like I deserved it. Or was used to it, anyway.

After a while, we arrive at the same place he always used to run to. The lake in the woods. Pictures of what happened the last time we were here flash in my mind, and remind of the person in my dreams.

Not just in my dreams anymore, I suppose.

"Little wolf," a voice murmurs quietly after my wolf was just laying around for a while and even if his ears turn, he doesn't react.

Not when Adam sits down next to us either. But a wave of calmness washes over him, that he hasn't felt in a long time, which surprises me.

So he does remember Adam.

"You do remember me," he chuckles quietly, and my heart skips a beat at the sound. Or my wolfs heart.

"What's wrong?" Adam's hand finds its way into his fur, stroking it lightly, his hands surprisingly warm.

The same hand that shot me. And Levi. And five other pack members.

I hate feeling this conflicted. Because deep down, I know Adam is good. I know he is, even if I don't really remember it.

But then why would he do all those things? Scare all the pack members, making them believe that there's gonna be a repeat of this horrible past, where so many people and werewolves died.

And why is he working with rogues? Or with hunters? Are they the same hunters that tortured me and... my mom.

My wolf whines softly at all the thoughts running through my mind, and Adam hums lowly, his hand stopping his motion.

"You wanna shift back and tell me what's bothering you?"

And why the hell does he always know when my wolf and I are here?

I ultimately do shift back, because he has clothes to offer again, and I take them, just accepting the absurdity of all of this.

"Hi," I mumble, sitting down next to him with enough space between us so that I don't accidentally touch him.

"Hi Adam," he greets, almost fondly, and once again I'm surprised at how there's no trace of the haunted man at the small opening in the woods that day he shot the wolfs.

Almost no trace, at least. His eyes hold onto it, somehow, but it's not as intense.

"Adam... what is this?" I ask, after a while, not really sure where to start. "I'm just so confused. I'm always confused, nothing in my life ever makes sense, c-can't you just... explain at least this to me? I hate being so damn... helpless all the time."

I start tugging at my hair, so frustrated with how incapable I always feel, how little control I have over my life.

"It's not that easy, Rafael," he tells me softly, his hand reaching out to me, but stopping at the last second, letting it slowly sink into the grass.

"Why... why are you working with these- these fucking hunters, the hunters that ki-killed my mother!"

My words start out weakly, but soon enough there's a new power behind them, that hasn't been there before.

"Because of you everything comes back up again! I can see her in my dreams, but I just don't... don't remember anything. Fuck, fuck, fuck," the tugging in my hair just gets worse, so this time he doesn't stop when he reaches out to pull them away from my hair softly.

"Just... please," I whisper, locking my eyes with his, searching for answers I just can't seem to get no matter how hard I try.

"It will all make sense in the end," he promises weakly, and I scoff, pulling my hands free from his grasp.

"Nothing in my life ever makes fucking sense," I snap irritated, standing up, "my existence doesn't even make fucking sense. The hunters should have fucking killed me when-"

"Don't. Don't finish that sentence," he hisses through gritted teeth, while walking up to me, taking my face in his hands.

"Everything will make sense soon. I know that's not the answer you want, but that's the answer you get."

"Well maybe soon is too late," I whisper, closing my eyes for only a moment, a new memory flashing in my mind, of small Adam holding my face in his head the exact same way, a distressed, almost heartbroken look on his face.

When I open them again, the look on his face is so similar to the one in my mind, I have to blink a few times, to remind myself that I'm not in the past.

"I've waited so long Rafael, this little time is nothing in comparison," he reveals, and once again I'm just left fucking clueless again.

"Fuck you! Always saying stuff that just confuses me more and more. If you plan on whipping my whole fucking pack out then do so already! I can tell you that you're posion works just fine."

Lifting up my shirt, I reveal the wound on my abdomen to him, and for a second his face contorts, but then it just blanks.

"Your pack?" he scoffs, and I don't know what he's talking about at first, but then I finally seem to register my own words.

"That's not what-"

"You don't have a pack, Rafael. Your pack abandoned you, just like everyone else in your life did and just like your mates will."

Silence reigns between us for a while, and I swallow, trying to find something to retort to his cruel words, but I know there's nothing to be found because he's... right.

"You're right," I whisper, my voice hoarse, but this time I don't feel like crying.

I just feel the same way I always do after a while. Numbness. Or maybe even acceptance.

Adams face softens into a frown, trying to reach out to me again, "no, Rafael, listen-"

I'm off before he can finish what he wanted to say.

I'm tired of everyone's bullshit.

rafael never gets a break, huh?