DESIDERIUM

forty three

My mates' cries and screams still echo in my head, even now sitting here, in the hut that I used to live in only some months ago with the man who haunts my dreams sitting in front of me, on the window spot where I always used to sit, when Tristan would tell me stories. Where I used to read all my books. Where I used to sit and wish for my mates to show up and just... take me with them. Anywhere.

And they almost did. But I was the one leaving them behind this time.

"Are you ready to talk now?" Adam asks after sitting in silence ever since we came here and I lift my head slowly, to meet his gaze.

He seems pleased by getting my attention.

"You need to take the antidote, Rafael," he informs me, and only then do I really notice the stinging in my arm, from the arrow that grazed me not too long ago.

My head replays the scene in my head, where Adam and his followers threw bags full of the antidotes towards the pack, how they all ran to them immediately, fought for them, to save their lives or their loved ones.

How Levi, Adrian and Tristan didn't even care about those, but tried to get to me instead.

How they immediately got stopped by multiple arrows pointing in their direction, me just barely making it past them.

How Adam sat on my wolf's back as if he'd done it so many times before and how I ran away with the hunters and rogues, ignoring my mates and Tristan's cries and howls.

"Rafael."

When I come back to reality, Adam is squatting in front of me, our eyes locking yet again, and I try to swallow down the lump that's forming in my throat.

"Why are you doing this?" I croak embarrassingly, my voice sounding strange to my own ears. 

"Why am I doing what?" his voice is smooth, but his hand is clenched around the antidote in his hand tightly, a sign that his patience is slowly running out.

"Why are you being so cruel?" I ask, the words haning heavy in the air as soon as I've spoken them. But the Adam right here in front of me is not the same Adam I remember from the past.

The kind Adam, that used to offer me bread and water when I was being starved, that wiped my tears after I heard my mother's screams, that tended to my wounds after I was beaten to near death.

That ultimately helped me escape my past and is now bringing it back full force.

"Why are you putting me back into the cell you saved me from?" 

His nostrils flare at my question and there's a rage in his eyes that makes goosebumps appear on my body. I'm not sure they ever left since we've ran onto that field.

"I'm not putting you back into any cell, look around you," he presses out through gritted teeth, but I shake my head in disagreement immediately.

I may be in the hut that I once considered a home, but the most important factor for it to be a home isn't even here. Tristan is missing.

"Adam," I say, my voice a helpless plea. I don't know what it is that I want from him, just... "why?"

His eyes close for a moment, his posture softening, and I can see his resolve cracking, if only barely.

"It's not that easy," he settles on, and our eyes lock again, just as they always seem to do when we're around each other.

We just stare at each other, my gaze never wavering, and he sighs, before gently putting the antidote in my hand, closing his hands around mine. 

I can't help but notice the way his hands swallow mine up whole. Just like Adrians always did. Levi's were even smaller than mine. 

"Take the antidote and I'll tell you," he continues, and I can see it in his eyes, that he knows who I was thinking about. His hold on my hands doesn't waver though, instead, he squeezes them together gently. 

"You promise?" I ask, my voice just as weak as I feel, and when he nods, his eyes still locked with mine, there's the promise behind them.

And when he puts our hands to his lips to kiss them, all I can do is watch breathlessly. a sudden memory of a younger Adam doing the same thing flashing before my eyes. 

Suppose I do remember some things about him. It may be a blessing. It may also be a curse. Whatever it is, right now I just want to know the truth. For once in my life. The whole truth.

That part of my life that everyone has always hidden away from me. Even my wolf. 

"Just listen, Rafael," Adams tells me, once I swallow the sticky sweet liquid and I nod but he shakes his head, his eyes stern. 

"You let me talk and you let me finish. Do not interrupt me. I know this will be a lot for you, but just listen."

"Yes," I whisper, and his eyes close again, a deep breath leaving his open lips. 

When he opens them again, I can almost recognize the man in front of me again as the boy I once knew.

well, that's that. how's everyone been?