DESIDERIUM

twenty seven

"Just shut up, the both of you!" I snap at them when they won't stop bickering like fucking children, and when they actually do, I take a deep breath trying to calm down and not just... explode.

"Just, fuck... I'm so sick and tired of everything," I breathe out, my eyes squeezing shut in a hopeless attempt to just forget everything around me even if only for a few seconds.

"All of this is just so messed up."

I sit down on the armchair behind me, arms on my knees and hands gripping my hair again.

"Just... why the fuck did you kick me out of the pack without even questioning anything?" I ask again, because when I uttered the question before I realized how badly I wanted to have an answer to it.

"Rafael..." Adrian exhales, clearly not knowing what to say but sounding so...mournful. I don't know what he sees in my eyes when he looks at me, but his gaze softens, becomes more vulnerable.

"I spend hours, days, months asking myself the same question over and over again... but I never came up with an answer. I'm sorry I can't give you more than that. I'm sorry I did what I did. It is and always will be one of my biggest regrets. Maybe I just wanted to prove myself as an Alpha or maybe I was just... scared, honestly."

When he catches the way my face contorts, he quickly starts explaining himself.

"Not of you, but, I just... I didn't know what would've happened to you if you'd stayed."

I let his words sink in, an ache in my chest that hasn't been there before appearing.

I swallow harshly, the truth of his words not easy to bear.

"And you? Why didn't you do just... fucking anything about it, really?" I try to deflect, lifting my head and looking Levi straight in the eyes instead.

He doesn't say anything for a while, but his lips are trembling and I know he's trying to keep it together.

"I just... it's stupid but I just didn't... after it happened, I don't remember a lot of it, I just, couldn't really believe or comprehend what happened... I-I don't know..." his red-rimmed eyes never leave mine, but I'm the one that has to look away from him this time.

Goddess, I wish I could be at him for his vague answer, but I'd be a hypocrite if I said that I didn't understand what he means. I barely remember anything that happened during or after the incident.

"We were just so young, I-" Adrian starts, searching for the right words, "I think my dad made a mistake by making Levi and I the Alpha and Luna of the pack at such a young age. I... it wasn't easy, and after what happened with you it... was just really difficult to manage. My dad, he's a good father but... a better Alpha. Living up to his expectations, to the packs' expectations, it was really fucking hard."

"I never had any expectations from you. All I ever wanted was Adrian and Levi. Not Alpha Adrian or Beta Levi... Luna Levi," I retort almost immediately because it's true. I never wanted them to be anything but themselves.

"Which is why we were so stupid to let you go."

"Yeah, well... I never really understood why it was so easy for you to let me go," I whisper hoarsely, my eyes suddenly stinging again. I guess there are still some tears left after all.

Levi's face contorts at my answer and he looks like I just slapped him in the face, "it wasn't. It was one of the hardest things we ever had to do."

"I don't even think we realized we did before it was too late," Adrian admits, "but you... just started drifting away from us. Further and further and further away and even before the incident with Ray, you were just... seemed so far away."

A tear leaves his eye and flows down his cheek. The whole thing happens for me almost as if in slow motion and I realize, as so often, that I just can't see him or Levi cry. It physically pains me to see them cry.

But to react, my body just feels way too numb, his words echoing in my mind over and over again.

"I know that I have distanced myself a lot, I just-"

"You don't have to explain yourself, Rafael," Levi cuts in gently, but I shake my head because I do because I want to explain.

"You just... seemed so good together, the two of you. I guess I just... started feeling like you didn't need me anymore. Even as a kid, I always felt like an intruder. In the pack, with the other kids, adults... with you. And then you found out you were mates and I just... It just felt like a confirmation of all my fears... that you don't need me, that no one really did. I felt so alone and detached from reality. I didn't know where to with my feelings, my wolf was on edge all of the time. I didn't know what to do, so I just... isolated myself, I guess."

"Fuck, Rafael," Adrian immediately starts shaking his head no, the tears in his eyes now falling more freely, and he looks so pained by my words.

"We always needed you, Rafael, we always will need you," Levi whispers, whipping the tears from his eyes, trying to give stay strong, still, "we were just so preoccupied with all the training, and then I wasn't just gonna be Beta anymore, but Luna as well, it's just... it was a lot. Too much. That's no excuse, but you just started getting distant, sometimes we didn't see you for days and when we did you just seemed... different. Quieter. More reserved. Easily irritable..."

"We should've known there was something wrong. We should've checked on you, been there for you. Instead, we only focused on ourselves, the training, the preparations, the coronation... You know, sometimes, the only thing that got me through it was the thought that after we become Alpha and Luna, everything will be better. That we would just have to push through all of it and then we'd have time for ourselves again. Time for you. I'm just sorry everything got so fucked up. I'm so, so sorry. I just-," Adrian doesn't finish his sentence, his face contorts, and he turns away from me and Levi, but his shaking shoulders give him away, and my heart breaks a little.

My head is so loud and full and yet so quiet and empty at the same time. The whole conversation is just... heavy.

Sometimes I really don't understand what I did to deserve something like this

It's just hard to want to forgive someone but not be able to because they hurt you so much.

"We were all so young," I murmur, "it's just... unfair."

Adrian doesn't turn back around, and Levi is just furiously whipping at his eyes, and I exhale silently, standing up and motioning for Levi to do the same.

"Come on, Adrian," I whisper silently, turning him back around, and softly pulling his hands away from his face. He's always been the one that had the most difficulties with showing his emotions.

I slowly wrap my arms around him and Levi, letting them hang around them loosely, but soon I get pulled into their arms tighter than I've ever been before, pressed in the middle of them, and even if everything just hurts right now, I also feel a small weight being lifted off my shoulders.

We just cry silently into each other's arms.

I cry for myself, for all of us, for everything, and for nothing at all at the same time.

The only thing that interrupts the silence are their whispered apologies, over and over again.