DESIDERIUM

thirty nine

When we arrived back at the pack it was like 4 a.m. and all of us were too tired to really talk, we just went straight to bed, but not without Adrian and Levi each giving me a kiss on the cheek, and once again I was glad I don't blush easily.

Now it's already the next day, and Adrian and Levi had another meeting with the pack elders to update them on the news that Alpha Everett is indeed going to help us.

I try not to think about the happenings of yesterday, but my mind just keeps replaying that stupid picture in my mind, and at some point I think I'm going to smash my head against the wall, especially because my wolf still doesn't respond to anything, but that's when Tristan bursts into the house.

He seems a little too relieved to see me, but I don't force him to talk about anything he doesn't want to talk about, neither does he ask me any questions about yesterday, probably noticing my sullen mood, and so we just chat about meaningless things.

"Cedric really wants to tell Adrian and Levi about Unc- Jay," he suddenly blurts out, and I close my eyes, groaning loudly.

"Just, why the fuck... who the fuck... what the fuck..."

Tristan raises an unimpressed eyebrow at my stuttering, and I run my hands over my face, wondering how everything is just always coming back to this fucking shit.

I'm done with it, ready to just cut that chapter out of my life, but somehow everyone just suddenly wants to fucking read through it and feel bad for me and guilty because they couldn't do anything about it.

I have other problems now. Exhibit A starts with an A and ends with dam. Exhibit B starts with E and ends in verett.

"Please don't fucking start this shit again," I warn him, and he sighs, which irritates me.

"I'm actually still mad at you for telling him," I accuse him, and his face turns serious in an instant. One thing I learned is that Tristan hates other people twisting stories, as do I, honestly, but if he can rile me up, than I'm gonna rile him up right back.

"I told you he followed me to Annas house and saw what Jay did to her..."

"And you didn't fucking notice him following you? I thought you were pack warrior once," I challenge him, and his eyes visibly darken at the mention of his past, "shouldn't you be able to sniff him out miles away?"

"Stop testing me, Rafael," he warns, and I scoff.

"Not nice to bring up your past unwanted, right?"

We just in silence for a moment after that, and we both sigh at the same time.

"I'm sorry," we say at the same time, and share an annoyed look.

"I hate fighting with you. You're the only one that usually gets me," I tell him, and shrug my shoulders.

"Rafael..." he sighs, and suddenly he stands up from the bed, to kneel down before me, in the arm chair I'm sitting it.

Huh, affectionate much?

"I'm always gonna be on your side," he emphasizes, and I slack against him almost out of instinct, "I just don't think you're dealing with this the right way. You can't just erase this part of yourself, by not talking to anyone about it or not telling it to your mates, who just want to... help you."

The last few words are hard for him, I can tell, he was never too fond of them, even if he doesn't really now what went down between us.

"I know, I just... don't want everyone to see me as the abused kid again," I tell him, "I could've told them about it. Anyone really, I chose not to," I explain, and he nods, pulling away a little, so he can look at me while talking to each other.

"Rafael, it's not that easy, you were a kid, you didn't know-"

"I knew, Tristan. I knew exactly what I was doing when I went into the woods to hide, so my bruises could heal. I knew what I was doing when I lied to Cedric about my aggressive behavior at pack trainings. I knew what I was doing when I tried to hold my wolf back from lashing out."

Was that my wolf that I just felt huffing in my head? That bitch.

"I'm trying to understand, I just don't..." Tristan trails of, and I sigh, placing both my hands on his shoulders.

"There's nothing to understand. It just is, it just was. It's over," I emphasize the last word.

"You would... you would tell me if something like this was happening again, right?" he asks, as hesitant as I've ever seen him before. He looks... vulnerable.

"Of course I would," if there was one exception, it would be Tristan.

"Do you think you-" he gets interrupted by Adrian and Levi walking into the house, sounding like they're discussing something.

"You fucking ask him!" they try to whisper, but rather sound like they're talking normally, which I can obviously hear.

"No, I don't want to force him to open up to us!"

My eyes widen a little at that, and I can feel my anxiety spiking almost immediately. Tristan squeezes my knees, helping me to stay grounded.

"I can hear you!" I yell loudly, and they quiet down immediately. Idiots.

They come shuffling into the room hesitantly, Levi not able to meet my eyes, and Adrian just staring right at them, like he's trying to reach my soul or something.

I almost shudder at the dark look in his eyes.

Tristan has since stood up, and just stands beside me awkwardly, his arms crossed across his chest, looking at the both of them with an almost glare.

"What do you want to ask me?" I ask, afraid my voice is going to break by how dry my mouth suddenly feels.

For the first time today my wolf makes himself known, his worry for me the only thing keeping me grounded right now.

"We just... Cedric said some things, but we would never force you to talk to us, he just said to ask you about it..." Levi trails off helplessly, and I'm seriously debating if I should strangle Cedric.

"Why has Anna been staying with Luisa for the last three days?"

Adrians gaze is unyielding, his question straightforward, and I swallow, the lump in my throat getting bigger and bigger.

"For a sleepover?" I try at a joke, because I'm an idiot, and the tension increases like tenfold.

So this is it? This is them finding out why I paralyzed my supposed uncle? The real reason and not some fucked up pity story they came up with on their own?

Fuck no.

oh rafael.

anyone else so anxious lately, ready to throw up any second? no? just me? okay.