Balance, Baby

Chapter 9

I turned off the tv and grabbed my drink, finishing it off. I walked into the kitchen and made myself my 5th drink of the night, "I've been drinking. Maybe we shouldn't."

"How many have you had?" He was sitting at the table, already digging into his pasta.

"5," I said simply, then I realized the apple juice was already gone. I sighed, planning on just drinking it straight, "Want some? There's no more juice."

"Yeah," he said before swallowing his food, "Do you actually feel like we shouldn't or are you just saying that?"

I grabbed a cup and poured about 3-4 shots worth into a cup for him before bringing both drinks to the table, "You know how long it's been since we ate at the table?" I evaded his question.

"Weeks," He answered and kept eating. I started eating my food as well, sipping on my drink every few bites, "What were you saying last night when I cut you off?"

I swallowed the food in my mouth and sat there for a minute, looking down at my pasta, "Uhm," I put my fork down, "I was going to agree with your suggestion, we should pretend it didn't happen."

I looked up at him, he had stopped eating and was looking at me, "Oh."

"Yeah," I said, looking back at my food, "Everything you said, when you first told me. It makes sense, you know. We can just pretend it didn't happen, right? It's fine."

It was quiet for a bit. I picked up my fork and started eating again. Eventually Judah replied with a question, "So it was just the alcohol then?"

'Not exactly.' I thought. But I just nodded, refusing to make eye contact. I had thought about it on the drive back home, and while cleaning. I decided that I was making something out of nothing, I had no reason to suspect anything was going on just because of some drunken slurs. Forcing myself to think about it was creating a problem that didn't even need to exist. If I just put this behind us, my feelings would go back to normal. It was only my obsession with thinking about how I felt that was making me feel. So, my method was going to be deny and ignore.

"Okay," He said and went back to eating his food. He drank everything in his cup and went into the kitchen. I sighed and put my fork back down. I held my head up with my hand and swallowed my bite.

He sat back down in front of me, "Did you want to say anything?" I asked him.

"I don't think that's what you were going to say last night. Honestly. If that's all you want to say now, that's fine. It is what it is. I just don't know if you're actually taking advantage of this opportunity," He replied bluntly.

I pursed my lips, trying not to smile at his honest energy, "No, you're right. Last night, uhm," I paused. I folded my hands in front of my face, looking down, "I was saying that I think that, that moment was something that was uhm," I paused again, looking for the right words, "It was intense."

"It was. I think we should revisit things that were said," He pushed the conversation forward.

"Like, when I said I've wanted you for so long," I continued to avoid eye contact.

"Yeah, that's one."

"It's the only thing I'm ready to talk about, honestly," I paused again, "I used to have a crush on you in high school, I think you know that. But, obviously that means I've found you attractive for what, 9 years now?" I laughed softly, picking at my food, "I mean, to say I never thought about intimate moments between us would be literally stupid."

He was quiet for a bit, "I actually never knew that."

I looked up at him, "Wait, really?"

He shrugged, "You never said anything. Nobody told me anything."