What Are We?

A Walk To Think

Edd groggled down the hallway, wearing his bunny slippers and green robe. He yawned as he was barely able to keep his eyes open and stared at Tord, seeing that he wasn't wearing his usual pajama clothes and wearing shoes.

"Take Kelly outside, maybe she has to go to the bathroom," Edd mumbled faintly, rubbing his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room."Where are you going anyway? It's like, 4 am."

"Just uh— you know, out. Taking a breather." Tord muttered hesitantly, wiping himself off as he stood up quickly.

"This early?" Edd questioned as he put a hand on his hip. For some reason Edd reminds Tord of a mom right now. The robe, the slippers, the stance; all of it screams "aging mom."

"Yep, couldn't really sleep, I'm hoping that a walk can probably help me clear my mind." Tord stated as he loosened himself up, scratching the back of his neck.

"Yeah, Alright. But bring a jacket, It's cold outside when it's late. Or— early. Whatever, it's cold." Edd insisted. Edd could never figure out what Tord was usually thinking. So going out on a walk to clear his mind seemed like second nature to the guy.

Tord nodded as he grabbed a dark red zip-up that was left on the coat hanger. He headed out the door, the cold breeze hitting his face. Yeah, it was actually pretty cold. He was glad Edd had warned him. He had secretly brought a pack of cigarettes with him so Edd wouldn't scold him. He didn't need to know about his hobbies.

He lit up the end of the cigarette and started to inhale it, savoring it's bitter flavor that's become strangely addicting. Was Tord an addict? No, he just liked it a little bit, maybe more than he'd like to admit.

Tord blew out smoke from his nose, something he had to learn for a while back in Highschool so he wouldn't cough all the smoke up.

After some minutes of walking, Tord sat down on the edge of the curb, inhaling the toxic smoke from the cigarette. He pondered for a moment. He thought of the possibility's what would happen if he admit he had a crush on Tom to Edd. What would have happened? Now that his head was clear, the scenarios he thought of earlier of Edd kicking him out were little to nothing, Edd would never kick someone out because of their sexuality or who they like. He'd never disown him as a friend either.

Tord almost chuckled out loud. He couldn't believe he thought so negatively of a guy like Edd. He got his mind off of Edd, and rather quickly stated to think of that beautiful existence, Tom.

Almost immediately, Tord started to blush. Fuck, he's gotta stop doing that. He can't get embarrassed every time he just thinks about him.

But he couldn't help it, Tom was just... perfect. In his own ways at least. He had the cutest toothy smile, and voids for eyes he could get lost in for days.

Was there anything to hate about Tom? For the longest time that thought always ringed in the back of Tords mind. Tord loved messing with Tom and making him angry, he never hated Tom. Well, exept for when he exploded the giant robot and he almost died, but who could really blame him? Tord did try to take over the world after all. 

He still had no idea how on earth they managed to let him move back in into their home after all that he's done. He wondered how the army was doing, how their stable right now with him gone in the meantime.

When the 3 forgave him, Tord knew it would take time to gain their trust again. And it did, it took a few months. It took even longer for Tom. Oh, Tord remembered how they fought when he first came back. He remembered how Tom would hardly leave his room because the mere sight of him would throw him into a rage.

He knew that Tom resented Edd and Matt for letting Tord stay after all he had done. Hell, Tord would feel the same way if he was in Toms position.

But it feels like that Toms finally warming up to him. And that alone, sends butterflies to his stomach. Who would have thought that Tord Lawson would fall for Thomas Rosevelt? He couldn't believe he let this happen. Sometimes it never seemed real. He hoped it wasn't real. Because he knew, he knew that if Tom found out;

Tom would never look at him the same.

And that's what held Tord back. The looks he'll get, the feelings everyone would feel, anything could happen.

It's not that he feared rejection, he knew that Tom would reject him 100%. It was the fear of being looked at differently by all his friends again. The first time was already bad enough, he couldn't bare to loose them because he liked Tom. He couldn't loose Tom.

Even when that tiny voice in his head hopes that Tom would feel the same, would accept him, Tord had to do everything he could to ignore that tiny voice that's become a roar. He knew that Tom wouldn't ever like him back, that was a fact.

And even if it was a fact, it still brought sadness and shame to Tord. Sometimes he just wants to tell Tom how he feels, he wants to risk everything just to be with Tom; even if it's not for a while. Tord wants to claim Tom as his, he wants to hold him and hug him whenever he can.

But he can't.

He'll never have that.

And that's why it makes him so upset.

He'll never have what he desires, he doesn't deserve it after all he's done.

Tord looked at his hands. He mostly stared at his mechanic red arm. He hates it. He hated how people stared at it and his scar when he's in public. It's like people will only read the book if the cover is good enough, which Tord wasn't.

Tord looked away from his mechanic hand and ignored the small drops of tears threatening to spill from his eyes as he looked at the sky. It was just inky dark before, now it's a warm orange-pink. It was now officially morning. He better head home before the others noticed and probably call the police. Not that they were worried for their missing friend, but that Tord would cause chaos.

Tord stood off the curb and dusted himself off as he began to walk home. He confined to think of the concepts on what would have happened if he told Edd the truth. He wouldn't like to know actually, he's more satisfied knowing that he's kept in the dark. Maybe one day, he'll tell Edd how he feels about Tom.

And... maybe, one day, he'll tell Tom how he feels.