twenty two- Caitlin Clark

5- right where you left me

"When I was still the one you want"

daphne

past August 2020; narrative

"Dakota, clean up, Cait's gonna be here any minute." I shoved my brother who had again managed to make a mess of the kitchen I had cleaned for the third time. Today was the last night Caitlin would be spending at my house before she moved onto campus. It was only a two hour drive from Des Moines to the university but she wouldn't be making that drive often.

"It's not like she cares, she's always here." My brother just brushed me off, going back to being a messy teenage boy even though he was 19, almost 20. Caitlin's light knock on the door stopped me from screaming at Dakota. She always knocked, even though she was more than welcome to just walk in but she never did. I ran to the door, unlocking it and seeing her on the other side with 2 bags in her hands. Weird, she never came with bags. She had everything she needed at my house, she even had her own drawers and side of the bathroom.

"What's in the bags?" I laughed, trying to grab them from her hands but she kept them tight in her grasp. She still didn't look up, just kept her eyes on her feet.

"Nothing, just stuff that wouldn't fit in my suitcases." I knew she was lying. Her tone was off, much quieter than she ever was around me but I let it slide. Obviously there was some underlying reason she wasn't being completely honest, and I didn't want to fight on her last night.

I motioned her inside, trying to avoid my brother and pulled her inside. We didn't want to go anywhere today, just soak up each other's presence before she left and the next time I saw her would be Thanksgiving. She would even miss my birthday due to school and basketball. I put on our favorite movies, laying my head on her chest with her arm around my waist. Something about her touch felt distant. She didn't turn to face me how she usually would, it's like she was trying her hardest to be as far as she could without making me question it.

I tried not to mention it, probably just overthinking about my girlfriend moving farther then she'd ever been. We'd never been separated, the most being when our families went on vacation but it was always temporary. Now Cait would be busy with university and I would be finishing high school without the only person I went for.

I kept close to her. Cait was always warm, she was the sun to me and I clung to her, soaking up all her heat as long as I could. She kept her arm in the same position on my waist, never moving to pull me closer but also never moving further, it just seemed cold. Like I was laying next to a dead body.

Eventually in her arms I dozed off. I was always able to, her presence made me calm and protected. As long as she was here I knew nothing could hurt me. The only information that could was that tomorrow morning I would have to wake up and wish my girlfriend goodbye, watching her drive away as my heart broke. I know 2 hours isn't a long drive but this town almost felt empty without her. I didn't know how to go to school and not have her waiting by my locker for me, or what it was like to spend the basketball games cheering for everyone and not just Caitlin. It almost felt like I didn't know how to function properly.

The wind was blowing into my room loudly, making the curtains go crazy and some of my stuff fall over. I didn't sleep with my window open and I must have forgotten to close it before I fell asleep. I went to move over Cait to climb out of bed but she wasn't there. Her side of the bed was completely empty and cold. I shot up panicked. It wasn't like her to just leave my room without saying anything. If she couldn't sleep she woke me up, or if she had a bad dream she woke me up.

I wasted no time, running downstairs to see if I could find her. Maybe she just went to grab a glass of water, there was no reason to stress. But the kitchen was empty, the living room was empty. Every corner I checked there was no sign of her. I pulled the front curtains aside and noticed her car was gone, the driveway now empty. The nerves started to settle in and my hands began to tremble, why would she just leave in the middle of the night without a word. I ran back to my room, trying my best to stay quiet and not wake the rest of my family up.

I checked my last resort, checking my phone to find a missed call and a voicemail from Caitlin. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in. She knew I was a heavy sleeper so she must've called to not wake me up but to also let me know she was safe. She must've just gone for a drive since she couldn't sleep, lots of people did that. I clicked on the voicemail first, desperate to see what she said in a voicemail instead of a text.

"Hi Daph, you must've just woken up all stressed out because I wasn't there." She paused and laughed slightly, a laugh she only did when she felt like crying. I could hear the faint music in the background while she was driving.

"I'm ok, please don't panic but I have to tell you something. This isn't gonna work baby, I'm sorry to do this now and like this but I couldn't stand to say it to your face and watch you cry I know you'll hate me for a bit but trust me this is what's right for us, we can't handle being at such different points in our lives. I left all your stuff from my house in those bags so you don't have to go get them. I'm sorry Daph, please forgive me one day. I love you, bye baby."

The voicemail ended and I felt my throat close. Did she just manage to break up with me over a 27 second phone call. This had to be a joke, April fools came late or something because I know my Cait, she wouldn't end over a year together with a voicemail. She just wouldn't.

I tried to call her back but the calls wouldn't go through. My texts wouldn't deliver. She had blocked me. Everything was starting to become more real as my vision got blurrier. She wouldn't break up with me at 4 am like this. She promised she would never.

My chest felt heavy and suddenly I couldn't breathe properly, my breaths only coming out from the hyperventilating I was doing. I couldn't see anything but I crawled to my brothers room, knocking on his door harder than I ever have before. I need Dakota on repeat in my mind. He opened the door, yawning and wiping his eyes until he noticed my state on the ground in front of him and jolted awake.

He lifted me up and set me on his bed, letting me cry into his chest. I couldn't breathe, or even form proper words as I tried to explain the reasoning behind my behavior.

"I want Caitlin." I repeated between my sobs, not fully coming to terms that she was gone, she had left me. To Dakota, Caitlin was still asleep in my bed so when he grabbed his phone to find an 'I'm sorry' text from her, he understood what had happened.

I spent the next while in his arms, waiting for the tears to stop and my breathing to go back to normal but it felt like it never did. He stayed awake by my side for the rest of the night, trying to distract me with stupid TV shows but her words replied in my memory, stuck in a loop. I never got a goodbye. I would never get to kiss her again and actually have the closure of goodbye, she left me like this.