Rushed and semi-edited </3
Smith
I didn't know that officializing things between Diego and I would make me more of an anxious mess.
No matter how much reassurance my boyfriend gives me, I'm overthinking every single thing I do, say, or think in our relationship. Now that there's a label, I don't want it to be broken. I don't want to do anything wrong and ruin anything. I don't want to break up.
Due to my anxious state, my stomach has become a complete mess. I'm barely able to keep food down, no matter how hard I try. It's not a mental thing because I genuinely want to keep food down. It's just every time I try, my stomach flips and forces everything up.
I'm not sure what to do about my anxiety. Every night, I go to sleep with a sick, right feeling in my gut that will not go away. Nothing relieves it. No funny videos, upbeat music, sweet words from Diego, or warm foods can relieve the thoughts swarming my mind and the sickness I feel.
Diego has noticed my extreme antsiness, and I hate it. I hate that he's have to constantly reassure me. I hate that he's always asking how I'm doing. I mean, of course I love that he cares for me, but I hate that I'm being annoying about everything.
Me- r u mad at me?
10:12pm
Before I can close out of my messages, my boyfriend replies back. My heart skips a beat in both glee but nervousness. What if he instantly replied with 'yes' or a prewritten message expressing his upsetness with me?
Diego❤️- Nope, not a single bit <3
10:12pm
What if he's lying to me? What if he knows if he says 'yes', I'll freak out? What if I did something wrong and he's waiting for me to address it? What if he's starting to hate me and is wanting to end things?
Oh my gosh, he hates me. Diego hates me. He hates me so much that he can't stand me. He's going to break up with me because I'm an anxious, disordered mess.
Me- r u sure?
10:13 pm
With a groan, I shove my face into my hands. Tears run down my face as that sick feeling spreads across my body. Petey (the cat), rubs against my leg but even his fluffiness doesn't help. His soft purrs and snuggles don't alleviate any discomfort.
Why can't I think normally? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I be okay? Why can't I stop being such a trainwreck? Why can't I-
My phone buzzing stops my rapid thoughts. I glance down, seeing Diego calling me. Lately, I've been avoiding calling him after dinner and I'm sure he's caught on. That boy's observancy baffles me in so many ways.
I inhale a deep breath before answering the phone. My throat clogs with worry and exhaustion, but I clear it and say, "hey." Diego can't greet me back as I blurt out, "I'm sorry, I don't know what's been going on with me lately."
"It's okay, sweet boy. Don't apologize for anything." Hearing Diego's voice and how genuine he sounds helps, but not much. It doesn't freeze the thoughts swarming my brain or ease the clenching in my stomach. "I'm not mad at you. I have no reason to be."
How can he be so sure of that? Surely he must be upset about me constantly asking for reassurance or always complaining about something. We haven't even been dating for a week and I'm already causing issues.
More tears leave my eyes in frustration with myself. I know Diego isn't upset with me, but too many what ifs flood my mind and refuse to leave. It's hard to function when all I can think about is whether or not my boyfriend hates me. "I'm sorry."
