You saved my life

Chapter 19: Kokichis childhood (part 2)

Warning:
suicidal thoughts
Bullying

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Kokichi pov:

„After this day, I changed. A part of my happiness was just..gone. My eyes had lost their light already. Everytime i looked into my mothers eyes, I only saw her pain. Even tho she tried hard to hide it. She tried to make me happy. She tried..everyday. She hated to see me so broken. She bought me new things, spent more time with me, but I still..couldn't be happy. I felt horrible. I felt like a pure monster, not only because of his death, but also because I couldn't fulfill my mothers wish of me smiling again. The days passed by and my mother just didn't want to give up. She hugged me everyday. She was scared that I will never be happy again. I tried to be happy for her, but it didn't really work. My mother even began to talk to me the neighbors about it, because she was beginning to loose hope. They said I just need time. So she gave me time. We visited his grave regularly and if we did then I always told him about my day. I always left something on his grave. Sometimes a drawing, sometimes a stone or just a toy. The years past by and I started to be a bit happier again. I was 13 and went to the middle school in my town. Since I was..now a bit more normal again, I started to smile at my mother again, even tho she didn't know one thing. I was bullied in school. I was hated by everyone, even the teachers and I didn't know why. So that's was where I started to fake my smile. Everytime I went to school, I knew that something's going to happen. I had no friends, no hope, nothing. I just sat in school and tried to learn while sometimes people shot rocks or papers at me. The rocks just hurted my head but the Papers hurted my heart. The papers always told me to kill myself. It was..normal for me. The teachers ignored it, even tho they saw it. Sometimes my bullies just beated me up, cause it was „fun".

I didn't want to go to school anymore. They even started to make fun of my dead father. Sometimes they would even throw me into the trash, just because they could and every time I came home my mother stared at me in shock, but I always told her a lie. Then at some point, I started to cut myself. I just wanted to feel anything. Soon, my arms where covered in scars, but I didn't care. I also didn't sleep well anymore, so my mother started to notice what's going on with me. One day she then caught me cutting my arms. I can remember clearly how she broke down in front of me.

„WHY..WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?!"

She screamed and I was apologizing so...so much. She looked at my arms. She couldn't bare it anymore. She didn't know what to do. I had to Promise her to never do that again. After I did she still didn't trust me. She searched my whole room after things every single day, till she found my diary. She was so scared. I always saw it In her eyes. She read it even tho I begged her that she shouldn't. After she read my written suicidal thoughts she just looked at me, more broken than before. She then just said harshly:

„If you kill yourself, then I will also kill myself."

After this I was completely destroyed inside. All these thoughts following me, but also being scared that mother will kill herself  if I kill myself was just..terrible. The voices from my classmates were always there. They told me to die. They wanted me gone. They were like demons in my head and even tho I promised her, I didn't stop hurting myself. I just continued. I sometimes faked that I was sick so I wouldn't need to go to school. I ,still, hated myself more than they hated me. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw an ugly person. A worthless, stupid, ugly and useless person. I didn't see me anymore. Just a person who shouldn't be alive anymore. I should've died that day, not him. Without me, my parents would just live happily. I'm such a disappointment. How..can I ever make her proud when I'm like this? I already broke her..she probably isn't even herself anymore. Everything is my fault. Our family fell apart..

One day I then just stopped visiting his grave. I was too sad to go here and since I couldn't write in my diary anymore, I just wrote down my suicidal thoughts on a piece of paper and the I throw them away when I was finished. My grades started to get worse and every time I was eating with my mom we just looked at each other. She always tried to talk with me, but I didn't want to. Sometimes I heard her crying in her room late at night. I felt like the worst child ever. I made my mother depressed. She then started to work a lot again, because I didn't want to spent time with her. I was afraid that I would only break her more.

I couldn't bare this anymore. I needed to go to school even if I didn't want to. For me school was like a living hell. I gave up on trying anything. I just listened and tried to learn, while I heard everyone talking about me. I really thought that something was wrong with me.

Why was everyone hating me?

What did I do to deserve this?

I started to pray, even tho I didn't even believe in god anymore. He already took so much from me. I knew that he hated me all along. I wanted to find out what I did, but I couldn't. I really really felt like I'm just someone who doesn't has a reason to live. Then one day my mother came into my room and hugged me.

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I probably scared you but I just...I don't want to loose you too. Your dad for sure doesn't want you to die. He sacrificed his life so you could live happily. He sacrificed himself because he is your dad. That's just what parents do. I would sacrifice everything to save you. So please..don't think that your not enough. I know it's hard, just tell me what's wrong. Are you getting bullied? Is..is it something with a teacher?

I looked at her while crying. I was so sorry, but I didn't want to tell her. I just didn't want to. No. It also felt like I shouldn't.

I..can't tell you.

She only nodded as I said that. It probably hurted her, but she accepted it. I thought about her words a lot. They helped me to stop my cutting, but the thoughts were still there.

After a long time, mother then met someone else. She fell in love with him and she said I should meet him. So I waited in the living room till the door opened.

Sooo! This was the chapter! I don't know why but my hearts hurting so much while I wrote this, well many because I kin kokichi and also because I'm so emotional. Like everytime I read a sad kokichi story I cry. It's really, well..hard sometimes.

But well I hope you liked this chapter. <3
And omg thank you all so much for the reads. It really makes me happy!!

Also..if your getting bullied or anything like that then please believe me: there is always a person who cares about you. It will get better just..just don't give up okay?