Winning her back

8. Hurt people hurt people

- Three weeks later -

Lisa

The room smelt of poorly scented freshener and alcohol swabs. I knew the smell all too well. I had discovered it at my mom's clinic first. She always kept forest air fresheners in her cupboards. She said it helped people relax and think about being elsewhere, especially if they were on edge. As conceited as she was, she was right. I could feel myself running through the fields next to our old country house with Poppy, our dog, following behind. Everything was better then, carefree. I remembered the wind that always failed to blow me away and the poison ivy hidden in the ruins. I remembered the sun and my squinting eyes. I remembered my mother calling after me, "Lisa!" ... "Lisa"!

"Lisa can you hear me?".

Returning back to reality, I was met with Dr Rowland's brown eyes. I needed more of that forest scent for this therapy session to continue.

"I'm sorry", I began, "Can we take a break? I'm just really tired", I emphasized.

"Lisa, you barely said anything. In fact, you've barely said anything these last three weeks. I can't help you if you don't remove this invisible barrier between us".

"With all the respect Dr Rowland, it's not therapy that I need", I said, sitting up straight.

She removed her glasses and rubbed her forehead. Soon enough, she would start telling me that only time will heal my pain, but being vocal about it would make it easier. This had now become a routine. Seeing Dr Rowland twice a week, was more than what was needed. Our sessions consisted of small talk about the progress of finding my rapist, and the other three quarters of an hour were spent 'analysing' my feelings and emotions. They haven't found my ... abuser, but they suspected that he wasn't homeless after all. After interviewing all the homeless people in our town, giving them the decription that I had entailed, no one seemed to recognize him.

"I need you to meet me half way", she resumed, "that's all I ask".

"No", I said a little harsher then intended. "I need you to meet me half way. That's the only way this is ever going to work".

"I can't terminate your sessions with me".

Of course, she would assume that ending her therapy sessions would be my compromise, but there was another issue, which was scratching every living cell of my body.

"I know that. I want you to fix my living arrangement".

She sighed and shook her head. "I have no control over that, you know this".

"Yes you do!", I said raising my hands. "All of you do. You, Addison, Ben ... you're all involved in this".

"I'm a psychologist Lisa, not a doctor. Even if I was, I'm not your doctor".

"Neither is Ben!"

"He's your next of Kin. He gets to make all of your decisions for now".

"For now?", I questioned with an exhaustive tone.

"Yes for now, until I clear you to be able to take care of yours-

"Then clear me !", I screamed, slamming my hands on the table sepeating us.

That's when the door opened and Ben came rushing in.

"What happened?" He said, alternating his looks between me and Dr Rowland. "What did you do to her?" he yelled.

I felt Ben grab my arm. I flinched and shook him off me before making a grand exit. Not long after, Ben came out and we made our way to his car.

Once inside, Ben burried his face in his hands and let out a long growl.

"I can get you another therapist", he said slowly turning towards me.

"You must be dumber than I thought if you actually think that that's the problem", I said looking outside the window.

"Where were you gonna go huh? Live with Lydia and her detailed skills on bandaging wounds! You broke two ribs Lisa! That's not something that just anybody can take care of".

"Have you forgotton about my medical degree? Which by the way highly resembles yours?" I said fully focusing on his words and actions.

He tilted his head back with a sarcastic laugh, "So what? You were going to take care of yourself? Remove your own stitches ?" He proceeded to turn on the ignition and exit that parking lot. "Hate me all you want Lis", he began, fully focused on the road ahead. "But I won't let anything happen to you again. Ever again".

I crossed my arms and decided to ignore him once again. It was crystal clear, there was no getting out of this arrangement. Day after day, I would have to wake up in a house that betrayed me, with a man who betrayed me. Week after week I would have to listen to the same remedies over and over again. And every second that goes by, I'll get to lose myself even more than before.

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