It's Not Perfect

Chapter 15

I lost track of how long we had been riding the train, it's rhythmic motions swaying us to and fro as the boxcars shifted on the tracks. I was still laying on Ryder, my head resting on his chest as he laid back with his eyes closed. I wasn't sure if he was actually sleeping or not but he seemed to be and he was almost completely still except for the rising and falling of his chest. And his fingers tightening on my waist where they had been resting since we first laid down. As always, it felt natural to be laying next to him, his hands on me and my head on his chest.

Time like this made me truly believe that we were something more but in the blink of an eye something happened and I was harshly remembered that we were only a fake couple. We would never be anything more than a lie no matter how hard I wished that very fact was different.

The train continued on and I relaxed even further against Ryder's body, nearly falling asleep myself. The door to the boxcar was still open and I could see beautiful shades of orange and purple dancing across the horizon. We had left Ryder's apartment around one in the afternoon and arrived at the train graveyard around two, so we've been riding the train for at least a couple hours. It's speed had picked up once we were safely on board but now it was slowing again. I double checked to make sure it wasn't just my imagination, the train was definitely slowing down. I didn't know whether that meant this was our stop or not but I didn't want to be the one who us miss it. So I leaned closer to Ryder and gently shook him.

"Hey wake up." I spoke softly, placing both my hands on Ryder's cheeks.

He shifted in his sleep and I heard him mutter my name quietly. I just figured he was trying to tell me to let him sleep. So I pulled myself closer to his face, watching him carefully. His eyes were closed ever so lightly and his lips were parted just barely as he breathed silently. His hand had tightened on my hip once again and was now pulling me further into him. I felt a rather hot blush spread over my cheeks as Ryder's arm pulled me all the way on top of him, my entire body resting over his. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I tried moving away from Ryder but he only clutched my body tighter, then faster than I thought possible he rolled over. Flipping me with him. Suddenly I was the one laying against the hay and Ryder was laying on top of me.

I looked to everyone else in the group to make sure they were all still sleeping as well. Then I turned back to Ryder and for half a second I enjoyed the warmth of his body. I enjoyed how good the pressure of his body over mine felt, the way his chest and torso squished mine into the straw below me. And it took all of my self control not to lean forward and place my mouth against Ryder's, to feel that fire crackle within me just like the first night Miguel made Ryder claim me. The night that Ryder kissed me.

And if it hadn't been for the wheels of the boxcars screeching, I may have closed the distance between us and actually kissed him. But I never got the chance and relief swept through me when Ryder's eyes snapped open, those icy blue gems meeting my own hazel eyes. What would I have done if Ryder hadn't woken up, I'd have kissed him and that was unacceptable. I couldn't open myself up to anyone ever again and Ryder was dangerously close to severing that vow I had made to myself all those years ago.

But now I suddenly realized that I had to deal with Ryder since he was awake, staring at me with wide eyes. He looked around the boxcar, then down at me, then at how our bodies were practically melded together. Instantly, he leaned onto his arm to hold himself up so he wouldn't squish me, the muscles on his arm and back bulging. A sight that would always send my heart racing. He eyes me and I felt the blush growing on my cheeks even as we sat there, frozen.

"What's going on?" Ryder questioned, still staring at me. Watching me as I had been to him only moments before this. At first I couldn't respond, I could only look up at Ryder and wonder why we couldn't just be together?