Going Nowhere Fast

11. Guilt

I didn't mean to be so cold towards Scarlet. I knew I needed to apologize for that but I couldn't make my brain do it. I couldn't apologize if I couldn't explain myself. It would seem too insincere.

We finally got to our hotel room. All Scarlet had to do was ask for Hector at the front desk. A bald man with an indiscernible smell came up to us. He was a pretty tall guy with wide shoulders. His nametag said Hector on it, so it seemed legit enough. He gave us our keys and told us we had to check out by 11 a.m. next week.

We walked through the long hallway that seemed kind of spooky, but it seemed like every hotel felt like 'The Shining' to some extent.

We opened the door and realized that there was only one, large bed in the center of the room.

"I can sleep on the chair," I suggested.

"No!" Scarlet responded, "I mean no, the bed's big enough we can just split it down the middle."

"Are you sure you're comfortable with that?" I asked given all the rumors about me. She knew they weren't true but who would want to share a bed with the kid everyone thinks is a rapist?

"Yeah, I'm not afraid of you," she responded.

Afraid? I guess that's the appropriate word for me. I just never had anyone tell me they weren't afraid of me. It always felt like people were. Maybe it was how I dressed or how I acted?

"You're sure?" I asked.

"Yes," she insisted, "Don't act so weird about it."

I guess I was acting weird. I looked at the bed. It was giving me weird vibes. I felt really uncomfortable but I didn't want to press the issue with Scarlet. She already seemed a bit on edge.

"I'm going to go take a shower," she said passively walking into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

I sat down on the bed and immediately felt my wrist starting to tingle. I knew I shouldn't given that Scarlet was in the other room but things just didn't feel like they were going well. I needed the release. I rummaged through my duffle bag when I finally found my small tin box that used to contain some mints or something. Inside were a couple of razor blades. My mind went blank until I heard a knock on the door. It startled me and I accidentally cut a little too deep.

"Turn down service!" a voice called out.

"No thank you, we're good," I called back out. I heard her walking away with the cart from the hallway.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." I said as I was walking around the room trying to find something to stop the bleeding. Then I heard the water turn off. "Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!" I frantically grabbed some tissues and pressed them against the wound. I needed to apply pressure as well but I couldn't find anything. Scarlet was about to come out of the bathroom so I threw on my hoodie and hoped she didn't notice me grabbing my wrist. Even if I bled through the sweat shirt was black.

--

I tried not stare at her in her pajamas. She slept in rather short shorts and a tank top with no bra so I didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she probably already felt.

"Aren't you going to put on PJ's or something?"

I realized that I never got dressed in my frantic moment of depression. "Yeah," I said grabbing my bag and running into the bathroom, locking the door immediately. I yanked off my hoodie and noticed that the tissues were completely soaked. I started to feel light-headed, I knew if I kept the door locked that Scarlet wouldn't be able to get to me and I would bleed out if I fainted.

I couldn't believe I was doing that to her. I really didn't mean to. I looked at myself in the mirror. I hated my face so much. Why did I have to be so stupid?

Why couldn't I have just listened Rose?

I realized that it wasn't that easy. No one in the world could cure depression just by telling me to cheer up. I knew better than that. This was my reminder. I needed professional help.

I knew something was going to change in me. Now, I knew I needed therapy. I needed a friend.

I started to catch myself falling and unlocked the door right before falling to the ground.

"Billie?" I heard Scarlet call out right before everything went black.

--

My eyes fluttered open and I saw a fuzzy image of Scarlet staring down at me with a worried look on her face. I looked around the room. We were still in the hotel room. Was I dead? I looked over at my wrist. My whole arm was exposed showing years of scars all the way up to my shoulder. It looked like she wrapped a period pad tightly around my wrist. It must've stopped the bleeding.

"Looks like you lost a lot of blood. You should probably drink some water." Her voice sounded melodic in my newly conscious head. My vision finally became clear and I realized that she had been crying. I sprang out of my laying down position so that I was sitting eye-to-eye with her.

"I'm sorry," I said sounding weak, but I couldn't believe I had fucked up so bad.

"I'm just glad you're okay," she said leaning forward and wrapping her arms around me. Her head was burrowed in my neck and her arms were tight around me back. I didn't know how to respond to that so I just put my arms around her sort of loosely, reciprocating her hug as much as I had strength to. I felt like such an asshole. How could I have done that her?

She broke the hug and her expression turned to anger.

"How long have you been doing this? And don't say you don't because I saw your arms, so don't even try to lie to me."

"I used to do it a lot," I answered honestly, "That was a slip up, I didn't mean to make it so deep."

Scarlet started to cry. She seemed so worried about me. Oh God, I felt like shit.

"..Why di- was it.. my fault?" she stumbled over her words.

"Oh my God, no! It's me. I mean, it's my fault. I'm the idiot. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why now? Why after today? What happened? We're on this weird adventure together but you keep shutting me out!"

I started to cry. I started to cry really hard. Scarlet's demeanor relaxed and she handed me a bottle of water.

I crawled into my side of the bed and quickly fell asleep without saying another word. My body must've been extremely exhausted.