Underdawgs

Chapter 26

Robert and I talk for hours after that. Sitting there on the bridge, the two of us together. I tell him about school, about the guys, about Dianne and George, about Lily and everything she meant to me. I tell him about everything that's happened: about the fight, about the hospital and why I acted the way I did.

      He listens, nodding his head, wincing at the bad news and smiling at the good. He tells me that from now on things will be different, that he'll get his shit together, get clean, and for the most part I believe him. Then he tells me about Mum. About the time they spent together, how he loved her, how she was everything he isn't. How they'd been happy together, then how everything went to shit.

      'We were young and broke back in those days, but we had mouths to feed. Your mother was pregnant with your sister so she couldn't work and I didn't have a lot of qualifications to my name.'

      'Yeah?'

      'Yeah, so instead of doin' right by her, what a man should've done, I did the worst thing possible.'

      'What was that?'

      'I took up the drink, son.' He shakes his head, eyes downcast. 'My biggest regret ...'

      'Then what happened?'

      'Well, your sister was born. She was a gorgeous baby and I've never regretted it, but it did add fuel to the fire'

      'Cos now you had four mouths to feed?'

      'That's right. And that made the drinking worse, which in turn made it harder to feed my family. That's when I noticed a change in your mother ...'

      'How so?'

      Robert sighs, a long, deep sigh full of regret. 'Sometimes when a woman has a baby, they can get sick afterwards ... depressed. It happened to your mum.'

      I nod, I've heard of it. 'Go on.'

      'At the time I had a lot goin' on. I knew it was there in the background, but I just thought it would eventually go away.'

      'And it didn't?'

      'No, it got worse. You and your sister began to grow up, and as you did she began to get more distant.'

      I sit there feeling ill, knowing full well what happens next.

      'I honestly thought she was okay,' Robert tells me. His voice is just an echo in my mind; all I can think about is Mum. 'She seemed okay and she told me she was fine when I asked.'

      'But she wasn't.'

      'She became quiet and wouldn't speak to me, wouldn't tell me what was wrong. More time passed and I thought she'd gotten over it – she seemed happy, at least on the surface. But she wasn't. Then one night ...'

      I shut my eyes tight, remembering, remembering the flashing lights of the ambulance, the police cordon and the hospital.

      I wish it had never happened, but it did, and now it is up to Robert, Sarah and I to somehow come to terms with it and move on.

      We stay on the bridge together, trying to understand everything we've been through, until the first rays of light split the dawn sky. Eventually, exhausted, we get up and begin making our slow way back to the flats to pick up Sarah and get some rest. I'm still unsure about the future. I know nothing will be easy, but even so, I've got a faint glimmer of hope because I know that at least now I have Robert on my side.

                                                                                        ******