Love Lie ( COMPLETED)

23. Ice Cream Remedy

     I had moved from the curb to a nearby bench and sat staring at the ground in front of me until I finally look up and see Mom's car pulling into the school lot. I force myself to stand up and walk towards the car. As I open the door I can feel a wave of warm air hit me and I'm suddenly aware of how chilly it has gotten outside. I slide into the passenger seat and buckle up, not saying a word as I do so.

     Mom has a concerned look on her face like she is not quite sure what to do or say. I can't say that I blame her, I didn't really give her any details when I called asking for a ride. I can only imagine the scenarios that are going through her mind at this moment. I realize that it isn't fair to her to leave her wondering what is going on, so I decide to give her the brief version of what happened.

     "I can tell I'm freaking you out and I promise eventually I will tell you everything that happened but for right now, all I can say is that Landon and I broke up."I say with the little bit of strength I can find. She lets a gasp escape her lips and I quickly turn my head towards the window to hide the tear that falls down my cheek. I know that if I start crying again now there is a chance that I won't be able to stop again.

     I stare out the window as we drive home. Even this drive reminds me of him, but I try not to let my thoughts wander there. It's too painful and I don't know how much else I can handle tonight. We are close to home when mom finally speaks, "Listen, I know that it feels impossible right now, but everything is going to work out just the way it is supposed to. I just want you to know that whenever you are ready I am here for whatever you need." I give her a look that I hope she knows is meant to show how much that means to me.

     The first thing I plan to do when I get inside and up to the safety of my room is to get out of this dress and take a shower to rinse off this night. I walk into my room, kicking my shoes off as I go. I head to my bathroom and remove the necklace and earrings Mom loaned to me, placing them back in the velvet box they came in. Then I start removing the bobby pins from my hair and let the curls fall down to my shoulders. I step out of the dress and kick it over in the corner, never wanting to have to look at it again.

     By this point I look up and for the first time, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I don't even recognize the person that is looking back at me. My eyes are bloodshot and sunken in. Lines of mascara streak my face and most of the color is gone from my cheeks. As I stand there looking at my reflection, I am disgusted by what I see.

     I get in the shower and let the warm water pour over me. I quickly wash my hair and body. I must have zoned out because suddenly I am visioning images of his blue grey eyes and that blonde hair. I sink down to the floor of the shower and let myself cry again until I feel like I have nothing left.

     After I finish my shower I curl up in my bed and just lay staring at the ceiling, I am almost positive I will not be sleeping tonight even though I am feeling exhausted. I can already tell that I will spend the night replaying every word and alternate ending in my head. There are so many things that I wish I would have said to him. Maybe if I would have said something different I would have been able to keep him from walking away.

     About twenty minutes pass when I hear a knock on my door. "Come in," I yell. In walks Mom holding two bowls. I sit up a little, she notices the confused look on my face. "Every breakup needs ice cream" she says. She holds up the two bowls and asks, "Rocky Road or Mint Chip?" I reach for the bowl with Rocky Road and she comes over and sits on the bed with me.

     The fact that we are at place where she is sitting in my room trying to help me mend my heartbreak over ice cream means more to me than she could ever know. I know that it took a lot for us to get here and even though its going to be hard for me to talk about it while the wounds are so fresh, I want to confide in her.

     I still haven't filled her in on what happened at the bonfire, so I figure that is probably the best place to start. I tell her about everything that happened with Ethan showing up with Brooklyn at the party and then the things that Ethan said to me, how it led to him and Landon fighting. I explain how things went at school and the fight that Landon and I had then. I finish by telling her the most recent developments of how things played out at the dance and what ultimately led Landon to calling it quits.

     She just sits there listening, the only move either of us makes is when she reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze as I struggle to make it through certain parts of the story. Once I finish telling her everything, I can sense that she is taking a moment to digest everything. "Honey can I ask you something? I want to make sure that you aren't going to get upset with me first, but I really want you to be honest, mostly with yourself about this." I nod in agreement, I have a feeling I know what she is going to ask me, it's the same thing that Landon insinuated. "Are you sure that there is not even the tiniest part of you that still has feelings for Ethan?"

     I think about it for a few seconds. If I am ever going to move past all of this I need to give myself the time to finally answer this question. The longer I think about this the more I realize that I probably stopped having feelings for Ethan long before we broke up. When I think of him all I feel is betrayal and anger about all the lies he fed me when we were together. He never really cared about me he just filled my head with the things I wanted to hear in order to try to get what he wanted. When he realized he wasn't going to get it, he was done with me.

     It's in that second that everything finally clicks for me: I have been looking at love like it is just one big lie ever since things imploded with Ethan, without even knowing it sabotaging this amazing thing that was happening with Landon; but it isn't love that's a lie, it was just our relationship that was. Our whole relationship was one big lie.

     "No, I just realized that I probably never had real feelings for him. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I think I was so caught up in the lies that he fed me and the idea of what we had that I was missing out on what was right in front of me." I feel like I am probably not making much sense. "I need to talk to him, I know exactly what I should have said to him all along. I need to tell him how I feel. "

     I hop up and pull on a hoodie and slip on my boots that are sitting next to my door. I look back at Mom realizing that I probably need to make sure she's okay with this first. It's close to eleven so technically it is almost my curfew. I look at her and beg for her to let me go and to my surprise she nods, "Go honey. Tell him how you feel."

     I run down the stairs and hop in my car before she is able to change her mind, or I lose my nerve. I feel like the drive to his house takes forever. Even though we had been together a few months at this point we had only been to his house a handful of times. I park in front of the house and from the street I can see a light on in what I know is his room. I pull out my phone and dial his number, its too late for me to go knock on the door. I sit there listening to the phone ring, the anticipation killing me, silently hoping that he will answer.