The Illuminant

Chapter 24

The ride is peaceful and there's this Christian album playing from the CD player all the while.
Though the song is in another language, most likely African, I can't help the feeling washing over me.
The peaceful feeling though so real, I still would find very difficult put into words.
Thank goodness I don't have to.

It's quite extraordinary and kind of makes me feel complete again; like I am so fulfilled I don't have any care in the world and what amazes me the most is that my life is far from fulfilled.

The last time I felt this way was about twenty years ago when I was still a Christian. I know I was very young then but there were so many things that happened in the first ten years of my life that I still remember so well. My mom often wonders how I'm able to remember so much but I think it's because I had a rough childhood and grew up too fast.
The emotions begin to build up so fast in me and by now, I'm not listening to the song anymore.
All I want to do is get out of the car, jump up and down and scream while laughing like crazy.
I know it's pretty stupid but that's exactly how I feel. My emotions are threatening to slip out of my control and I think Brian notices because he reaches out to slightly touch my hand that is on the armrest.

"Are you okay?" His eyes filled with concern search mine briefly before returning to the road.

"No, I'm alright, I was just distracted." The look on his face tells me he is still concerned and doesn't believe a word of what I just said but he just nods and doesn't push it. "Which song is this?" I ask and a smile lights up his face wiping away the previous look, his hand still gracing mine.
I don't make any effort to remove it because I prefer it there.

It has a strange calming effect.

"Oh, it's called Amaghimo by some guy called Password; he's Nigerian. I just fell in love with it the first day I heard it even though I don't understand a word he's saying." He chuckles and I smile thinly. 

"So how do you know what you're singing?"

"Well I don't really, but I have a Nigerian colleague and friend at work. He's from the area in Nigeria where they speak this language so he told me what it meant. It's a song of thanksgiving to God and that makes total sense to me because that's exactly how I feel when I listen to the song." He goes on and I just marvel at the way he looks when he gets excited.

His dimples go in a little deeper, his smile a little wider, his face a lot more radiant, his laugh a little merrier.

I never thought I'd see him merrier than I've seen him in previous times because I already feel he's the happiest person alive, but I'm obviously wrong because now I see that when he gets excited he's on a whole new level.

He must really love God.

I can't say the same thing about myself though because once I get hurt, I hold on to it forever and I don't mind it taking away my happiness in the process.

I usually am just out for revenge.

What would it be like to let go?

"Do you like it?" His question snaps me out of my reverie and I look up at him.

"Well...um yeah. I guess I do." A satisfied smile spreads across his face and his eyes twinkle.

"You can have it."

"Huh?" I blink surprisingly at him.

"I said you can have it, since you like it. I can always get another." I wasn't expecting him to do that but deep down, I'm really glad he does because I feel I would need to hear that song again.

The car slows to a stop at the magnificent iron gates of a tall building.
The building, more like a sky scraper, is basically doing a finer job than the street lights. From afar, it looks like one of those glowing swords from the Star Wars space opera.