The Royal Romances

Confessions in the Dark

Late in the night, there is a hesitant knock on my door. For a frightful second I think it is my husband but then I realise he would not have been knocking after tonight's scene. Mortified after my husband's outburst in front of everyone, I had gone to bed as soon as I came back to my chambers and fallen asleep quickly after that, though nightmares I could now not recall had haunted me. Someone knocks again, this time a little firmer.

"I'm sorry, Your Grace, I would have come sooner but father stopped me." Edmund stands breathing heavily in the doorway like he has run from the great hall. "He's almost as bad as your wretched husband."

I hush at him, wave him inside and lock the door behind him.

"What are you doing here at this hour? Do you understand how this looks? What if the King or someone close to him saw you coming here?"

"I made sure no one saw me." Edmund does not seem concerned and there is something different about him. He appears taller to me now even though that is nonsense. "I spoke to His Majesty tonight. He had his share of wine and when I told him of my ambitions he confided in me that we are going to war."

Unexpectedly I have a hard time breathing normally.

"What does that mean exactly?" 

The words are difficult to say even though I already know the answer.

"I am going to France", he said smiling, holding his head up proud. "I'm going to fight in France."

Fortunately I find the chair behind me before I fall. My head is heavy, spinning and I fear I am going to be sick.

"Emily, what's the matter?"

Edmund rushes to my side and takes my hand. It is the first time he has said my name and not called me Your Grace. Even if his voice is rushed and filled with distress, there is still a soft ring to the way he said it.

"Don't go", I mumble weakly.

"Of course not, I will bring you some water."

He is getting up but I do not let go of his hand.

"Don't go to France", I clarify with emphasis on every syllable.

He looks at me baffled and does not speak for a while, like he is trying to understand the meaning of what I just said.

"Of course I am going", he finally says in a harsh tone.

I hold his hand with both of mine and I know there is nothing he can do which will make me let him go, even though a part of me wishes I could.

"What if.. What if you do not return?" I whisper, afraid to say the words out loud.

"Then I will die a soldier's honourable death."

Fuelled by fury, swiftly I release his hand and begin pacing across the room with small quick steps.

"Then leave," I shout, pointing towards the door. "Go and die in the mud and see if I care."

"Have you gone insane?" His face is bewildered and he looks at me like I am a stranger to him. "What is the matter with you?"

I want to restrain myself, get my normal composure back, but I can not. Feelings too powerful to keep inside are surfacing and I raise my voice once more.

"I never thought there was going to be a war!"

Edmund is silent and suddenly, my powerful rage is gone, just as fast as it had arrived, leaving me confused and exhausted. Where had all my manners gone? I am not the kind of person to lose my temper. I finally look towards him again but he does not hold my gaze for long and I am glad. What I had time to see is nothing good.