if we survive

e l e v e n

a s h

one month later

I wish I could tell you how I survived, but I have no idea myself. I'd lost so much blood that I should've needed a transfusion but as far as I know, I never received one. According to Adam, my heart stopped and he saved my life. Little did either of us know, he'd save my life so many more times in the future.

Adam was the person that found me outside of the fence. He said I wasn't responding and my body had gone completely limp and I had no pulse, for some reason he tried to save me...and he did. I owed him my life. Except, he didn't tell me that I was in a coma for two weeks. Yeah, two weeks. My first thought was what Rory was thinking, he probably thought I was dead...then I remembered the woman I'd left with Benji, Mika, and Zac. Did she get impatient and start killing people? Maybe she finally turned into a lurker, she could've killed someone that way as well. I needed to get back to my camp, but guess what, Adam won't let me leave. It's not like I'm a hostage or anything, he just won't let me exit the gates. So, I've been here for another two weeks trying to convince someone to let me leave. The only person who wanted to let me go was Adam's brother, Adrian.

I know what you're thinking: Ashton why don't you just sneak out when nobody's looking. First, they have around the clock guards at the gate, and second, Adam rarely leaves my side. He was like Zac, just eighteen and the leader of his people. He called his people Warriors, I thought was super cheesy but he insisted it was better than just calling them Survivors.

Adam and I shared a home, yeah an actual home not a tent. It was like a mobile doublewide home that you'd buy just to get out of your parents house. We had working electricity, water, and toilets. You never know how convenient a toilet is until you can't have one, this camp was great but I never once felt at home.

Currently, I sat at our dining table picking at a plate of berries and homemade cheese. Yeah, they had cows that produced milk. The Warriors were living the life but for some reason I hated this place, it was like the rich neighborhood of the apocalypse yet all I wanted was to get out. Adam sat down across from me and watched my wooden handcrafted fork roll a berry from one end of my plate to the other. My head was rested on my palm and the long scar on my wrist was very visible.

"I'm aware you miss your brother but you have everything you need to survive here, there's no more suffering here." He always did this, he'd always say something along these lines when I had an occasional sad day. Now, not everyday is bad here, sometimes I really enjoy this place but other days the ache of missing Colman and Rory weighed down on my happiness. It felt like mourning. The worse part was, I didn't know if they were dead. I think it's worse to not know what happened then to know that they're dead. Sure it'll crush you knowing someone you loved is dead but not knowing if they are or not slowly kills you from the inside out. There's always that spark of hope, but reality tells you they probably didn't make it.

"I don't want to survive, I want to live." I'd always reply with something along these lines.

"Why can't you live here? Our people are kind. We have farmers, doctors, children, and food. If you'd just forget about your brother and that stupid girl you could be happy." Adam picked a berry from my plate and popped it into his mouth. I glared at him and pushed myself out my chair. I grabbed my coat off the hook by the door and stomped out of the trailer without another word. I made my way towards the greenhouse looking for Maven.

Maven Carlee, a girl...that is my friend. Fine, nobody is going to see this since I'm not going to socialize with anyone outside this place for awhile, Maven Carlee is that girl that makes you believe in love at first sight. There, I said it, moving on.
She works in the green house caring for the plants and flowers. I've never met someone who loves flowers more than she does, they were her pride and joy. Maven had her dark blonde hair cut above her shoulders and her eyes were the color of the sky. She was a lot shorter than I was but it didn't seem to bother her too much. When I wasn't with Adam I was here in the greenhouse with Maven.

"Don't you have a job?" She asked me as soon as I entered. I smiled, the sight of her always lights up my mood.

"I don't, actually. Adam won't let me help out around camp because he thinks someone will attack me, yet he swears this is the safest camp for me." I walked up to her, watching her water plants and check their leaves.

"If you're close with Adam you've immediately got a bullseye on your back. People would kill to even be on a first name bases with him." Maven set down her watering can and looked up at me.

"What about Adrian? Why isn't he the leader?" I asked Maven and leaned against on of the planters. Adam would never tell me anything about the camp so I'd ask Maven any time I got the chance. I've yet to understand why Adrian is the lesser known twin, everyone seemed to be on a first name base with him.

"Adrian has too big of a heart to be a leader. He'll end up having to make a hard decision and freeze, it's happened before but nobody really noticed how hard it was for him to choose the right thing." Maven wrapped her arms around my waist and held me in a longing hug. She did this a lot, she was hugger. She felt safe hugging someone, I never understood why but if I moved away from her hug she'd immediately take it as a challenge and chase me until I either tripped or she was close enough to tackle me.

"Will you help me escape this camp?" The question came out before I could stop myself. Maven looked up at me unwrapped her arms from around my waist and scrunched her eyebrows.

"Why do you want to leave? You're just going to leave Adam that easily?" She asked. I knew she wanted to accuse me of leaving her but she bit her tongue.

"I need to see my family, May. I have a brother and a nephew and I need to see them, I need to know that they're alive." I said with my hand on her elbow. "I'll come back and I'll bring them with me."

"You nearly died with them. You haven't even been bruised with us." Maven looked down at her feet and fiddled with her fingernails.

"It wasn't their fault. Some woman desperate for—"

"Yeah I've heard the story Ashton." Maven said harshly. She grew defensive and quickly became noticeably uncomfortable. "What do they have that we don't?"

"They're my family. My big brother and his son, the girl that kept me from killing myself, the little boy who looks up to me, and a doctor who doesn't look at me like I'm broken." I replied. I was beginning to get frustrated but I didn't dare raise my voice.

"You were broken Ash! I mean look at your arm, nobody would have slit your wrists just for the fun of it! Blood loss makes your memory fuzzy, I think you did this to yourself but are too ashamed to admit it!" Maven yelled at me with tears in her eyes. Through the clear walls of the greenhouse I could see Adam silently watching with Adrian by his side. I knew Maven was just angry, I knew she didn't actually mean what she said. More Warriors started to gather around to watch the show.

"I...I didn't do this to myself." I said just above a whisper. My heart pounded in my chest and my head spun with what really happened. I knew that I didn't try to kill myself again, I was happy. I was happy, wasn't I? I didn't do this.

I watched Maven storm out of the greenhouse with a red face and tears streaming down her cheeks. I took a long shaky breath in and Adam appeared in front of me. He watched me without a word but his expression said everything he couldn't.

"Leave me alone." I mumbled.

"Look Ashton—"

"Go away Adam!" I yelled. Adam didn't move but I didn't have the energy to yell at him again. I sat down in front of a planner and placed my head in my hands. "I didn't do this to myself. I know I didn't."