Moonlight Kisses

three hour drive

"Remember what I told you, Jordyn, never leave the cabin without letting Mariella and Mason know first," my mom barks at me in a stern voice. As I shove different things into a small suitcase, I nod along and hum approvals to her list of rules and demands. It's more so about not giving Mariella and Mason a hard time while I'm there, but even while I'm at their home I'm never much of a hassle towards them. Then again I never see them, but when I do, I tend to stay out of their way. On occasion they'll talk to me, ask me how school's been, just small talk here and there. From that bit and whatever Sophie's told me, Mariella is a classy woman who can hold her own and Mason is very business-oriented. This is the one time a year they spend together outside of the limelight because of their children. If it weren't for Sophie and Beau, they'd probably ditch this trip for their own respective islands, putting as much distance between themselves as the earth would allow.

Most of the Clemontes have a knack for that.

Mom reaches over and hands me a beige heavy coat. "Thanks," I sigh. She holds it out over my shoulders so I could easily shrug myself into it. It cut off halfway down my calf, so it kind of acted as a blanket. it may not do much right now, but I'll thank myself for it in about 3 hours when there's nothing but the freezing cold and dense forest for miles.

"Also Jo, um, if you could just promise me something..." She goes quiet and timid. She's hardly ever quiet or timid except around her patients, so I know this must be important, whatever this is to her. We take a seat side by side on the end of my bed with my suitcase neatly zipped up behind us. She reaches a nurturing hand forward and runs her fingers through the natural waves at the front of my hair. "I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things."

I look at her, confusion written on my face, her voice doesn't sound accusing in any way, but her words put me on high alert. There's already a mountainous amount of things I haven't told her; her saying this makes me think she may have had her own methods of finding out. "I'm not," I shrug nonchalantly.

She tilts her head and purses her lips together. "You're my daughter, I can tell when you're not feeling like yourself," she points out with a hint of sarcasm. Now I'm really on edge. "These past few days have not been treating you well. I won't press you for any detail but I want you to promise me that when you feel ready, you'll come to me. Whether that's next week, months, or even years from now I don't want you to be scared to come to me for help."

My heart swells. There's so many things I want to tell her. So many surreal things that have happened in these past 6 weeks alone that I'd love to tell her and get her advice on. But alas, it can't happen. I've done too many shameful things. So many things she wouldn't approve of. She expects me to tell her I have a silly crush or I flunked my math test. Come to find out, I lied, I've been lied to, I'm caring about the wrong people, pretended to be someone's girlfriend. My life is a whole drama mess and I have no clue where to begin with my own mother. She's barely even gotten a glimpse of the tip of the iceberg. As much as I want to just spill my guts, that truth is trapped in my throat. The words hanging just on the tip of my tongue. the same way I felt talking to Marlowe, Allie, and Xyla is the same pretentious way I feel talking to the woman who's been in my corner of the world since the day I came into it.

"Mom," I begin with a smile so forced, it hurts my jaw, "I promise to tell you everything and I'm not breaking that promise to you anytime soon. I've felt fine these past couple of days. Trust me. I don't want you worrying about me when you have whole lives to save."

A defeated sigh sinks her body, making me feel even worse for my lies. I've never hated myself more, seriously, I think I've hit a new low. First I was selfishly chasing after what I wanted, not thinking about all the feelings at stake. Now I'm lying to everyone around me, including my mom. The truth is so hard for me to face that I can't revisit it so instead I paint this happy alternate universe in my mind where the only things I know are shopping trips and faux smiles. Opting to lie because I'm too afraid of my own self-implosion: my emotions.