What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

2. Unwanted Tears

Friday 5.31pm

I buzz in and go up to his apartment. When he opens the door, I feel happy to see his smile. He asks if I'm okay with his hand, while letting me through.

"Yes thanks. Sorry I'm late. My last appointment took a bit longer. It's an older lady, Mrs Kim, and she lives alone. She needs the company. She's a bit of a chatter box and I know she just feels lonely. I always find it difficult to say I have to go."

He nods understandingly.

"Is your voice not any better?"

He walks to the table and scribbles on his pad, before showing me.

- It's getting there.

"Good! Shall we make a start? Then I can make dinner."

His eyes sparkle at the sound of dinner.

"Oh are you hungry?" His hand gesture shows a little. I just wished he could speak right now.

After the session, I go to his kitchen and take my ingredients out.

"Is it okay if I just go through your cupboards?" I get approval.

- What are you making?

"Butternut and lentil burgers with French beans. Is it okay with you?" He seems quite happy with the menu.

- Do you need help?

He's sweet.

"I would rather you relax." He chuckles. "I'm not implying you're not capable." I say panicked. I hope I didn't upset him. He taps my hand, which automatically calms me down and his smiling expression reassures me I didn't.

By the time I am done with making dinner and I bring it to the dinner table, satisfied with how fragrant it is, I find him asleep on the sofa, his body completely relaxed, his phone falling off his hand on the seat, his head leaning back.

I know he has problems sleeping, so I feel bad waking him up but it's gonna get cold and I don't know what to do.

After thinking it through, I put the food back in the oven on low heat to keep it warm and sit at the table where I take my laptop out, working for a little while.

I suddenly hear him breathe in deeply and loudly, making himself jump. Damn! Sleep apnea. I get now why he doesn't sleep well.

He looks around slightly panicked and I walk to him.

"You're okay. You just fell asleep. Dinner is ready if you're still hungry."

After a few seconds catching his breath and getting his bearings, he stands up, ruffling his hair, looking sleepy and soft.

I have set the table and bring the food through.

After the first mouthful, he stares at me. Oh dear is it not good? I taste it and I think it's okay.

"You don't like it?"

- It's delicious!

Phew!

"Thanks."

- Are you vegan too?

"Yes. I didn't used to but my son..." Shit. That just slipped. My heart drops and I drop my cutlery back down on the table. I can't swallow. My eyes are burning from the feeling of my tears coming. Shit. Shit! Shit! Get a grip.

I look away but when I feel his hand squeezing mine, I can guess he has noticed something is not right and looking at him, his compassionate gaze surprises me. He's not curious or inquisitive, just understanding and I see him feeling my pain, even though he doesn't understand why I am behaving that way.