What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

16. Interest

Saturday 7.23pm

Finishing my make-up, I look at myself in the mirror and I think about him. He hasn't been in touch since... Monday. My heart aches. I feel like such an idiot for falling for a guy who... who... it's not that he doesn't like me, or that I don't make him happy. It's just that he doesn't like himself when he's with me, which really hurts.

I still want him though. I can't shake my feelings for him and that's why I'm going out with another dude? What's wrong with me?!? I should cancel.

Do I need to stop socialising because I am waiting for him to make up his mind? No! I'm an independent woman! Going out for dinner is just entertaining myself. I haven't given Seven anything to hope for. He saw I was reluctant in going out and he knows I don't want it to be a date. I hope he can see that. I just need to be clear if he shows any signs of interest... Haha! I'm so full of myself!

He's back in town and probably just wants to find new friends. Yes! That's what it is... But he said to his gran that he thought I was a 'striking beauty'. So what?! You can appreciate pretty things!

In the middle of my monologue, I don't realise the time and I am taken out of my thoughts by the sound of the intercom.

Seeing shock on my face in the mirror, looking down, I can see that I am still in my underwear. I leave the bathroom in a right state and run to the door, pressing the button and shouting "I'm on my way!" before rushing to the bedroom and getting dressed in five seconds.

He said 'casual' which is reassuring because it feels less of a date. Ripped skinny jeans, Doc Martens (laces undone, much quicker to put on), white top, black denim jacket, make up and hair already done, bag, LET'S GOOOOOO!

When I arrive at the bottom of my building, I see him looking effortlessly handsome in black jeans, cool anime t-shirt, sneakers and his leather jacket in hand, wearing a beautiful smile on his face.

"Hi." He greets me.

"Hello." I smile back.

"You look really nice."

"You too. Who knew you had style when you're not in your scrubs!" I say cheekily as he looks at me with round eyes until I point at his t-shirt.

"Ah! I wasn't sure about that. I thought classic plain boring? Or just being myself. I opted for the latter. I had a feeling you wouldn't mind."

"Listen, you wear whatever you want to wear. But I like anime so no judging here. Although I haven't started watching 'Attack on Titan' yet. I know it's good. I've just not had time lately." I say referring to the graphics on his shirt.

He smiles, happy with himself, seemingly glad that I share the same interest.

We continue talking about anime as we walk to the restaurant which is not too far from my place. Dinner is lovely, it's very easy to talk to him and he keeps the conversation light and fun. He's not complimenting me or making me feel uncomfortable. He's just charming me with his behaviour, his smile, his jokes and by displaying his personality. He is a really attractive guy.

After dinner, he takes me to a club where live music is playing. We have a few drinks while listening to an Indie Rock artist and talk over beers, for ages. Once the gig is over, we continue to talk about various things but the subject always come back to anime, which is weird because I've never had such heated conversations about it with anybody else. Most of my friends are not into it, except for Viv and even though we love the plots, we talk and joke more about the lustful aspects of it than the plots, the graphics or technical aspects.

At the end of the evening, we've grown quite close which can be noticed as we tease each other very openly. Already back at the bottom of my apartment, as we strolled back to my place, we stand there facing each other for a few seconds before he breaks the silence.

"Well! Mina. I had a great time. My cheeks hurt from so much smiling so maybe next time I see you I'll have to be miserable to make up for it." I chuckle.

"Yes, it was really nice. I had a good time too."

He seems torn, about to ask me something.

"Listen, I'm meeting friends for lunch tomorrow if you want to join us?" Oh. Yeah. No. He sees the awkwardness in my expression and continues. "Just a few friends, nice company, barbecue, beers..."

"Thanks but I don't think so."

"Please? Still not a date. There will be other people and everything."

"How many?"

"Five." Odd number so it won't be just couples. I wouldn't want it to be looking like we're a couple. It might be fun. It would be another distraction on my lonely Sunday.

"Okay. Text me the address. I'll meet you there."

"Great. Have a good night Mina." He says coming closer.

Aaaahhh!!! I'm not ready for this! No! No! I don't know what he is going for: a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a snog... Nevertheless, I need to do something! I step back with a big smile, waving and I now walk back to my building.

"Good night!!" I shout.

Rushing in, I now recover as I stopped breathing during this whole exchange. I just panicked.

Back in my apartment, I think about Seven. He has been absolutely lovely and entertaining but he's so normal and I'm a weirdo. He'll realise it soon enough. Although he must have noticed as we argued over anime and manga and he didn't run.

But every time I let myself thinking that maybe he could be more, I think of my man and I feel sad.

Taking my makeup off, in my pjs, I stare in the mirror questioning myself. Have I already given up? Has he? He's not tried to get in touch with me. I know he's not a text kinda guy but he hasn't called or come to see me.

It has been five days already. Five excruciating days. I am in withdrawal from his presence and even when I am distracted with Seven, and laugh at his jokes or get excited to argue over anime, I think about him, I feel my heart aching, I miss him so much, like I miss a part of myself and... shit... I feel the tears coming. At least the make up is off.

Why can't it be easy? Why can't I be happy? What can't he accept it's okay to evolve as long as you're happy. Why can't he admit that his happiness is real and a good thing. He's been depressed for so long that I wonder sometimes if he realises that the other ways you can feel are still real.

It's not for me to tell him and try to convince him. It has to come from him. Although something tells me that he is miserable at the moment and that he is accustomed to this kind of emotion. So will he bother trying to reach out to me? I am not optimistic. I really want him to. I want to call him and talk to him. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes on me, his grasp on my neck as I make dinner for the both of us, his hands running across my back to calm my nerves. I miss dragging my fingers through his locks, his cologne. I feel like I can smell it right now. I miss his laugh, his smile. I miss our routine.

I've surprised myself driving to his place a couple of times after finishing work, but realising half way there that I had no business going in that direction, that I wasn't on my way home.

I miss us.

I'm not ready to give up yet, but I can't sit there and wait alone. I know that, if I do, I will end up in a dark place. I don't like that place. I've been there before and I don't want to go back. I know I still have a foot stuck in it and I don't think it will be freed as long as I have this anger towards Antoine, as long as I live in the past.

Seven is a nice guy, but I don't see us evolving towards anything more than friendship. I'm looking forward to meeting his friends. I like to meet new people. I know I am a different person when I socialise. I sometimes feel fake. I smile and laugh but I'm not really there. No! I need to stop this! I might actually genuinely enjoy myself. Just get in there and relax... and don't overthink! Easier said than done.

Such heavy thinking for a Saturday night. I slip into bed and think about my man. I hope he is okay, if not mentally, at least physically. I hope that he's not suffering too much at the moment and that he has not had another paralysis episode. Would he call me if he did? I hope he would.

Argh! I miss him.