What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

21. Explanation

Sunday 1.47am

Laying in my bed, my sheets covering us to the waist, we kiss for a while, playfully and seeing him smile just makes me forget the worries I have had in the past three weeks.

His arm behind his head, the other one wrapping me as I lay in the crook of his shoulder, I draw circles on his bare chest and listen to him breathing in deeply, then out.

As he strokes my back, I feel him sigh and I look up, meeting his caring eyes.

"You're so amazing." I can't explain why but his words make me chuckle. "What?"

"I... sorry... I was thinking YOU were amazing."

He smiles shyly.

Just listening to him breathing is a gift. Being so close to him is a gift. Receiving his love is a gift.

But I lay there thinking. What does this mean? He said he loves me but does it mean he wants me in his life.

I mean we just had sex but I don't know if it was just because of our heighten emotions, his jealousy, restrained desires.

I am scared to ask about it.

I could say that we can take it easy and slow, see where this takes us, but I am utterly in love with this man and I don't want to lose him by scaring him off or pressuring him into something he is not ready for.

I still need to be honest though.

"Hey..." I start now leaning on my elbow so I can see his face.

"Whaddup baby!" Goosebumps.

"Haha! Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"I was about to say something serious and you just 'Whaddup baby' me."

"So?"

"I lose my shit when you say that." I say feeling my cheeks burning.

"Ok. Good to know." He chuckles. His laugh is music to my ears and I realise now how much I've miss it.

"So... do you want to stay tonight?" I ask smiling knowingly.

"It's pretty late and I'm getting tired so I probably should."

"Good. I have a spare toothbrush if you want."

"Look at how prepared you are."

"I always have spares but yeah... I knew you'd come to my place in the middle of the night and stay over... eventually! Haha!"

"I'm sorry." I look at him slightly confused as we were talking so lightly. "About not coming over sooner."

"Oh..." I look down, my heart aching a bit at the memory of the many times I was anxious and lost because of his absence. "It's fine. You're here now."

"I need to explain."

He strokes my cheek, his eyes filled with sadness.

"Okay."

I can tell it's something he really wants to do so I wait patiently as he seems to organise his thoughts.

"After that night, I spent ages wondering what I should do. I knew I had feelings for you but I was scared... to lose myself, to rely on you, to depend on you and for you to depend on me. Too much responsibility. Too much dependence. I've never seen myself as someone to depend on. What if I couldn't be that person for you? At that stage I was adamant that couldn't be me. You deserved better." I feel so broken by his mental struggle and hold his hand still stroking my cheek. "I had back pain and couldn't sleep much at that stage, so my anxiety and my physical tiredness pushed me deeper in a dark phase. I lost the ability to objectively see if my feelings were real or not."

"I'm so sorry." He smiles sweetly as I kiss the palm of his hand.

"Anyway, my friend Dave reached out and talking to him helped massively, but it took me time to find the courage to come back. I thought it was too late."

"I waited for you. I couldn't let go, even though I had no idea if you'd ever reach out again."

"I'm glad you did but when I saw this guy, I really thought it was too late."

"It wasn't. And you were right, he has a thing for me, but I was not just gonna give up on us so easily. I love you." Oh god, I said it. It just slipped.

His eyes wide open, he suddenly grabs both my upper arms and pulls me on his chest.

My hand now stroking his cheek, I get lost in his beautiful features and drop my lips tenderly on his. His embrace is warm, soft and voluptuous and makes me feel loved, adored and cherished.

After a few seconds, conscious he might be in pain but too stubborn to tell me, I don't want to crush him and resume my spot in his shoulder.

"You know how independent I am, right? Don't take it the wrong way but I like it, so please don't feel pressured about it. I want to be with you and do things with you, but that doesn't mean we need to do everything together. I have my things, my friends and my past-times and you have yours. Let's keep it like that for now. It doesn't mean I'm not interested. I love to hear you talking about it."

"I'm okay with that." I feel his chest vibrating as he talks, squeezing my close.

"All I'm asking is honesty. If you need to be alone or do things by yourself, just tell me. I can give you space. If you're struggling with your anxiety or anything, please tell me. I need to know what state of mind you're in or I'll go crazy. I won't take it personally, I promise. If you need help, please ask. I'm always here for you." I say stroking and kissing his chest.

"Okay I will." He replies kissing my head.

"You do know that it's not just you right? I'm damaged and I too have had doubts about being with you. I don't want you to feel responsible for me. I have anxiety, panic attacks and still grieving. I have so much baggage, I don't know what to do with it all."

"I can take your baggage. You wouldn't be you without it. I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if I hadn't seen your vulnerable side. You're perfectly imperfect and that's one of the reasons I love you."

"One of the reasons? Tell me more!" His cute high pitched laugh pleases me to no end.

"Well... let me think... your ears are adorable."

"Are you being serious right now? You fell for my ears?!"

"But look at how tiny they are!" He laughs while rubbing one of them.

"Fine, you don't want to share." I smile.

"I don't like to be put on the spot, that's all."

"Sorry."

"I wouldn't know where to start. Loads of sides of you got to me. Your openness surprised me. You looked like the kind of person who has it all together because you come across as confident, organised and really upbeat. But when you crumbled in front of me, I just felt that you trusted me with your story. You were broken like me and you didn't try to hide it."

"It's you. You made me feel like I could be myself, even without speaking to me."

"Oh yeah, that's true." He chuckles remembering our first encounter. "After that, we became close and you just became part of my life. I felt good when you were around. You made me feel like I mattered."

I lift myself up and look at him as he stares back at me, making me melt.

"Well... I need a shower." I say lifting the covers and sitting up before feeling my arm yanked, falling on his chest with a squeal. His hand grabs my chin as he pulls me to his lips and after a sensual kiss, he bites my lower lip lightly. Completely taken by surprise, I stare at him as he says these three words that give me shivers.

"You're mine." His crooked smile is irresistible. I kiss him back, finishing our kiss by biting his lip this time.

"Yes I am." I answer playfully, hurrying off the bed, laughing at my quick exit.

In the shower, I reminisce of our heated dance, our confessions and smile to myself, before he comes in the bathroom, in his trunk. Wiping the condensation off the glass panel, I see him brushing his teeth looking away from the mirror.

I am scared but also excited about what the future holds for us.