The Choice (a Painful Past)

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Then the drugs had started...or, should I say, I found out about the drugs because they became a huge problem.

Will had started doing harder drugs, like meth, cocaine, and even crack. He became so addicted to Methadone, that he actually stole my brother's prescription. Methadone is a synthetic heroine that is used for severe pain or to help drug addicts get sober.

That last part, I never understood.

How could something 'help' you, if it got you off the drug, but then you were addicted to the 'medication'?

Didn't seem like such a great deal to me.

Will and his junkie buddies had stolen my mother's pain pills, any cash that they could find, my mother's IPad, Ben's phone that I had gotten him for his birthday, plus his replacement phone, and even his PlayStation. All of this happened just so they could sell or trade for more crack or meth.

Finally, I kicked Will out and told him that I was done with him, unless he went to rehab. I couldn't continue to defend him this way, especially when he was stealing from my family. My family had loved Will, in the beginning.

Now, they just stayed in my ear, constantly telling me to leave him, and pointing out his flaws. I didn't want them to be right. He promised to go to rehab, and he did, but he checked himself out before the treatment was finished.

Again, I stayed away from him for weeks, until Ben started to ask where he was, and told me that he wanted to see him. I wanted to tell Ben everything that Will had done, but I couldn't. Not after all he had been through with his own mother.

I wanted to protect him, and let him keep what innocence he had for a little while longer. So, I shielded him from it all. If Will and I had argued, then we went outside, away from him.

If Will started his screaming, and punching things, I made him go outside. This backfired on me, with how much Ben loved Will. It made me nauseous to see the adoration that he had for him.

I was the one who went to all the school activities, band concerts, school fun nights, field days, Cub Scout and Webelo meetings, bought his school clothes and materials, and took him out for ice cream, or whatever he wanted. Will used whatever money he got from his parents, or a temporary job, and spent it on himself, or another girl. We would even go without cigarettes, and other necessary items, just because he needed to buy a half a pill that cost $75.

I tried to tell myself that it wasn't that serious. That he had made mistakes, but he wasn't a bad guy. I still don't believe that he's a bad guy, but I know he's a narcissist.

There were times, over the years, when I really didn't feel like having sex with him. If I said no, then he would get very angry and ignore me, or either start talking about how I must not really love him. So, I would give in.

I remembered one time, when I hurt my shoulder pretty badly, he wanted to have sex. I couldn't believe it.

"I can't, Will. My shoulder, remember?" I had reminded him, motioning towards the sling that my arm was in.

"So? You don't need your shoulder!" He had exclaimed. "All you gotta do is lay there. I'll do the rest."

"I don't think it's a good idea." I had said, quietly.

I didn't want to piss him off, but I also didn't want to hurt my shoulder. I had been diagnosed with Bursitis, and that shit hurt all the damn time.

The possibility of the pain scared me.

"Seriously, Callie? You're gonna use that as an excuse? What the fuck? Why don't you like having sex anymore? You're getting it somewhere else, right? Who are you fucking, huh?"

I remembered feeling shock, but knowing that I shouldn't have. He always pulled this shit with me. Somehow, he always managed to turn things around on me.

It would be my fault, my fuck up, just everything that was wrong was on me. And I somehow believed it.

That night, I gave in again, like I always do, and we had sex. I began to cry from the pain in my shoulder. He kept going, but at least he asked if I was okay.

Yeah...that's what I told myself anyway. The pain from that memory was still very real. I still couldn't believe it.

I vaguely wondered if that was a type of rape, but I had said yes, so it couldn't be, right? I still shut down whenever he got into one of his moods, unless he just managed to get me on a day when I couldn't deal with it. On those days, I would explode.

When I did that, he would usually get down and out on himself, calling himself a piece of shit, and how the world would just be a better place if he were to die. That would always turn into me telling him how much he meant to Ben and I, and how we needed him here with us. There were more holes in my bedroom wall now, but they only got there when no one else, besides Will and I, were home.

I knew my mom would have went ape shit, if she knew what he was doing. I was constantly taking up for him, and defending him, to my family. I kept waiting for him to change, to grow up, to be the man that I had always thought he could be. To be the father that Ben needed.

We still weren't married and part of that was my fault. I refused to just get $50 to $75 from his parents, just so we could go to the courthouse and sign a piece of paper. That was not how I wanted to be married.

No, I didn't care about expensive things, or how elaborate they were, but I had dreamed of my wedding day, just like every other little girl, and I refused to compromise on it. Maybe if I really wanted to be married to Will...but I didn't. I wanted out, but I felt stuck.

I mean, who was going to want me now? I had to live with my mother and my brother, so that I could take care of them, and I had a 12 year old boy.

I knew that I was probably so emotionally damaged, that I would never be able to even trust another man, so why bother?

I was already an expert on how Will was. I knew he would hurt me.