The Rhythm of Your Heart [Yan!DSMP x Reader]

CHAPTER XXII: Six of Cups

T/W: Suicide, depiction of trauma

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So much time passed, yet so little. So little time, yet Jared feels as if it's been years ever since he actually tasted the feeling of happiness. So little time, yet Jared is certain that he's been stuck in the same traumatized mind for over centuries.

It's been almost five years ever since he got out. Five years, ever since that prison where he lost everything.

Five years.

Just five years, and yet, there seems to be no improvement in his mental health.

After all, the victory did not bring back the dead. So many people lost their lives. His beloved fiancé, his adorable children, his faithful brother and his best friend, who he for a while thought was the cause of their eventual imprisonment.

They're all dead and he knows that he should celebrate with the other people of his country, but he can't. He knows that he should mourn the loss that was once made five years ago at the very bridge where he's at, but he can't. He can't feel anything anymore. The events that took place those years ago, took away, not only his rights, but also his humanity, his identity. He's become an empty man, having to listen to the same screams over and over again, repeating themselves in his head as he's begging for the memories to stop.

He's lost everything.

The one thing keeping him alive, died only recently, thanks to some illness with which the doctors couldn't help him. Exactly five weeks ago now. The last remnant of his old life, dead. And despite the fact that Jared is grateful that the man could finally find his rest now, being able to leave to go live with the man he loved, despite the amount of hatred that this world had been consumed by. Only if Jared realized earlier that they were not brothers, but lovers, needing to disguise themselves as family to prevent suspicion.

He is grateful.

Jared is grateful for everything that he's been able to become happy by. His children, two rays of sunshine which he will always hold close to his heard. His lover, who he always wishes he had been able to marry before the first threat had shown itself. His brother, someone who had stayed strong, even if he suffered many physical injuries and weakness thanks to the hunger that came from getting starved, yet having to work constantly.

He loves is brother. Always has and always will.

If anything, he has to thank him for protecting him from the horrors. His brother's optimism may have been naïve and foolish, but Jared knows that that's what kept him alive. His brother knew that his words were mere wishes, after all, and that they could only become true if a miracle were to happen, but if he'd never spoken them, Jared would have probably died before ever getting to experience real life again.

But Jared can't go on. Not like this.

Everything seems to be a constant reminder of what happened. The memorials, the celebrations, the mere thought of having to exhaust his body again, just to survive. He can't go on like that. He can't go on, feeling like this will never end. The way that people look at him whenever he jokes about the experience. The way that people tell him how sorry they are, when they realize that he was close with the owner of the Black Sheep, the man shot by those who were meant to protect people like Jared, just because they believed that he was hiding the enemy instead, while he was doing the literal opposite.

It's always upset him. But that's the truth behind the ruthlessness of violence.

People shoot before they even see the target.