glow•° || skz || nonbinary Felix ff

body•°

The reactions to my purple skirt stage outfit were mostly positive.

Most stays didn't just love the look, but they saw that I felt comfortable in it, too, and thus loved it even more.

It looks like Felix is literally glowing. The colour suits him so much.

I didn't deserve this fandom.

Naturally, there were a bunch of hate comments from bigots and weirdos as well.

But they didn't bother me anymore.

At least, most hate comments didn't.

The outfit's cute, yeah, but why does he look so fat?

Did Felix gain weight?

Ugh, the undershirt is just too tight - why tho? He doesn't have any muscles anyway.

For some reason, negative or even hateful comments about my body always got to me.

I did not gain weight.

I was on a strong diet, goddamn it.

And I had some muscles.

Most of all I was sick of people having an opinion on my body.

And in my job, unfortunately there were a lot of people who needed to have an opinion on my body.

And those people read the comments, too.

My diet was extended - to the point I worried they won't let me eat at all some days.

Further, I was ordered to work out more. Gain that sixpack. Have veins popping from your arms.

After about a week of this, I looked at myself in a mirror in our gym.

My face was extremely angular by now, it didn't even feel like my own anymore.

You could see my hip bones stick out as I had gotten so skinny.

I didn't notice Changbin until he was standing right next to me, eyeing me through the mirror.

'You look like shit'

'Hey, I worked hard for that'

'Felix, I don't mean your body. I mean you.'

I lifted my head and we made eye contact in the mirror. Changbin continued.

'Look', he pointed at my reflection, 'that is not you. That is some starving muscle monster which looks like it's dying inside. I know you, Felix. You aren't like that. That's not your body. I and everyone else can see how uncomfortable you are in it.'

'But the hate comments...' I said weakly. 'You've surely read them'

'I try not to. It makes me want to punch someone.'

He turned to look at me.

'Felix, listen. The people who say stuff like that - they aren't fans, they aren't people that matter. They don't know you and have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I bet none of them ever made a diet or have seen a gym from the inside. They're sad little figures whose only life purpose is to make other people sad, too. Don't let them get to you.'

I tried to hold my tears back, but that was unfortunately something I could never succeed in. 'It's not that easy, you know.'
I pressed my eyes close.

'Look at me, Felix. I will do everything to protect you, and the others as well. We won't let anyone give you shit. We're your friends, your family. We want you to be happy - at all costs.'

I could just nod weakly.

Changbin hugged me tightly, then held me away at arm's length.

'Question', he said.

'Mhm' I sniffled.

'If you weren't an idol, if there wasn't a single person with an opinion on your body in the whole world... What would your perfect body be? How do you feel comfortable and like yourself?'

That was a good question.

We turned and both stared at my reflection.

I thought hard about it, examining my body's features.

It wasn't that I felt generally uncomfortable. Yet Changbin was right, all that muscle stuff just wasn't me.

'Well', I began after a long while, 'I like my face definitely more when it's rounder, not as sharply angular as it is now. Slightly more juvenile maybe.'

Feminine.

My gaze wandered downwards.

'I also don't need a super defined sixpack. I think I like it the best if my waist is elegantly slim and I've got abs that are just hinted, you know?'

Changbin nodded. He smiled comfortingly.

'Just so you know: you're always beautiful, downright ethereal. But it's different when you're comfortable with yourself and your clothing. Then you radiate such an intense beauty that no one can help being drawn in.'

This time, my tears were of happiness. Changbin digged out tissue papers from somewhere and handed them to me. Instead of accepting them, I hugged him again, longer.

Silently, he added: 'Keep that image of yourself in mind. That is you. You just have to become it - yourself.'

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