Her Side of the World

Chapter 7

Nader has already left for Tripoli for the weekend. He decided to skip his classes today and start his weekend one day early. I on the other hand, have a full day of classes ahead of me. My Fridays are the most classes-busy.

Nevertheless, I am so ready to finish my classes today and go out. Danny and I have made plans for these upcoming couple of days. 

The fact that Danny's family lives abroad gives him much more free time than anyone else. In the case of Nader and everyone else I met, so much time is spent with the family. It is in fact uncommon here for people our age to move out of their parents' houses unless there is need. Like in the case of Nader. In fact, most people do not move out until they want to get married. Of course, there are exceptions. But that is the general case for Lebanese.

I wonder how bad it would be if I was still living with mine.

"But it is not like they are involved in everything you do." Lea explained to me yesterday night, when we all sat down after having spent a couple of hours studying together. "You're your own person. You go out, you come back anytime you want, you do whatever you want. They don't really care about these things anymore."

"Why then, do you keep living together?" I asked.

"Because they keep providing for you. You still have dinner together most nights. You know, it is less lonely." Andrew answered.

"I would not be able to even imagine still living with my parents. And it's only been three years since I left."

"Well, it is different for you." Mariam told me.

"Why?"

"Because you are built that way."

"What do you mean?" I asked sounding a little bit offended, even though I was not. Was I?

"Well, I mean just like we grow up knowing we have this place to stay in for the rest our lives if we want to, you grow up knowing that this place is temporary and that you will be leaving it at a certain age. We are both grown into the way that we are."

"But which option would you choose?"

"I would choose mine. And you would choose yours. And everyone would choose exactly what they were raised and taught to do. And if you suggest for one person to do the contrary, they will find it extremely illogical and unbearable. They would say 'How can you even think about this?'. They would make you feel like there is no way this is explainable and understandable, let alone may be better."

I was listening closely to every word Mariam is saying. I did feel everything she described while we were talking about this. So I trusted that what she was saying is not completely absurd.

"What about being independent? Wouldn't you want that for yourself?"

"I am, to a certain degree. Would I want to be more independent? yes of course. But not right now. I am only twenty two. Why the rush?"

"Because you'd be more free if you were."

"No. I wouldn't, in fact. And even if I would, I do not need this little extra freedom right now."

I was silent for a moment, trying to understand Mariam's point of view from all of this. My first reaction is exactly what she anticipated. How can you not want to be fully independent and free? Which only proved her point right. I have to be able to understand her a little.

"Explain that to me." I asked her.

"My parents are paying for my studies here. If they did not, there was no way I or thousands of other students would be able to attend this university. Yes, I have a side job anyway. I make my own money and spend it on myself. If I need more, I will ask them. This is the way they were built too. To give. Not until you are eighteen or you are an adult, not under only some circumstances, but simply to give. I will do the same thing too, once they are old and might need some financial help. I am independent in the sense that my parents do not meddle in my affairs. Where I go out. Who I go out with. Who I hang out around. They give me advice when I need it, even if I do not ask for it from time to time. But I think that is international; parents always trying to guide their children to do what is best for them." she laughed a little. "At least, I hope it is. I am fully myself around them and I would not act any differently if they were not around. That is why leaving would not make me more free."

"Let alone how fun it is to live with your siblings! The fun cannot be compensated by anything else you do alone, in my opinion." Lea finally added.

I stop reciting the conversation in my head. It did not end here. But I just got to my class and the professor is in. I need to focus.

When the class is finished, I leave the class continuing to recite the conversation we had in my head. Until I get to the part where I ruined the whole discussion without intending to.

"How do you ever bring a guy over?" I asked her. Mariam looked at the others and laughed.

"I don't." she told me.

"Never?" I asked.

"I am Muslim. So unless there is something serious and I am engaged to someone, I don't."

Why that was very shocking news to me is still unknown. I just did not expect it. Because she has no veil on, maybe. Or because she never talked about anything that has to do with religion. Or because Andrew has made the sign of the cross many times in front of me; so I assumed they shared the faith. Maybe it is because her skin is white. I know how it sounds, like I am judging her. But I am not. At least, I was not trying to. I made the assumptions without thinking. And I saw at that point that I was mistaken.

"What?" she asked me when she saw the look on my face.

"Nothing. I just..." I remember how tough it was for me to say what I said next.

"You don't look Muslim." and I remember how much I regretted it after I said those words.

She raised her eyebrows and asked something about what does it mean to 'look Muslim' and stated that there is no such a thing. But I was not following. All I could think about was how I spilled those words out. And how I should not have. Then she mentioned something about me being built racist. Which was offensive as well. Built, built, built. Mariam talks about the human race as though it is a construction site.

After yesterday, I did not know what to expect when I meet her again. We left in a very awkward place and did not speak afterwards. She went home, a little pissed. And I went back to my room, for the first time feeling like this might not be as easy as I thought it would be.