Her Side of the World

Chapter 19

After that weekend, everything changed.

Despite my physically tired body and my sleepy eyes, my soul stayed wide awake with Mariam last Saturday night. Even when she stopped talking. Even when she focused on her book after our long and deep conversation, and ignored my presence. Even when she did not really need me there anymore. I stayed up and awake. And I stayed next to her.

Being there, this close, gave me a peaceful feeling that I could not let go of.

If only Mariam knew how much things changed since then inside me. But she does not. Mariam has acted extremely normal with me all week. Is she hiding how she is feeling? Is she not feeling anything at all? I cannot tell.

I, on the other hand, have definitely made her feel that something is not quite right. Even when I tried not to. I was more silent than the usual. I was not as involved in our conversations as I was before. I was troubled.

She is smart. She knows something is off. But she refuses to make me feel it.

We had a couple of exams this week and I did fine. I did not allow my feelings to get in the way of my studies; as much as I could anyway.

Nader has asked me a thousand times this week if I am alright. And I tell him I am but he does not believe me. One time he said "It's Mariam isn't it?". I shook my head and he let it go.

Also, Farah kept trying to make contact this week. And I kept myself away because of everything on my mind as well as my exams. But now the weekend is here, I will need to be honest with her in case she mentions that she wants us to spend more time together.

Farah is not like Mariam. She is closer in mindset to how I was raised. She has lived and been raised in the US. Her talk, her style, her accent, all is familiar. And even though she reminds me of home, there is not an even a small part of me that is interested in her. Perhaps it is the familiarity that is pushing me away. Familiar versus Exotic. What would you choose?

It is Friday night and I don't have plans for the weekend. Mariam had suggested a couple of things. Some with her, some without her. But I could not decide. If I choose the plans that she has for us to do together, I am setting myself to be doomed. And if I choose plans that she has suggested I do alone, I will regret it and hate myself for not taking the chance to see her more in the weekend. So I did the worst thing I could have done: I did not decide. And now it is Friday night I have no idea how or where I will be spending these couple of nights.

Caleb, it is raining.

I receive a short text from Mariam.

Caleb, it is raining.

So simple.

Pointing out to me that it is raining, knowing I might be want to look outside and see it. So simple. It is the first rain of the year. The winter is starting. I open the curtain a little bit. I look at the trees and the rain. I take a jacket and put my shoes on and go outside.

I take a photo and send it to her. I receive a text back.

You're so getting sick.

And another text back.

Don't worry. I'll teach you whatever you miss next week when you don't show up to the classes. Enjoy the first rain! With this timeline, we might be able to do a snow trip before you leave.

I text her back.

Mariam

I type and delete. And I type and delete. That has been my personality for this week. Hesitant to say anything, to do anything.

Are you alright, Caleb?

She asks. Of course she is going to ask. She has been giving me chances to get better and stop acting weird and I am not.

Yes. I think I'm just a little homesick.

I'm not. But what else do I tell her?