Extraordinary Mistakes

10. True happiness

Call me! Abigail texts her brother while sitting by herself in one of their living rooms. The school year at the Institute is almost over. On the day before, she received a new contract.

She can see her mother outside by the pool with a book and making a phone call. Her father goes in and out of the room. He always paces around while making phone calls.

From what Abigail gathers, the Parkers have an international charity event coming up. Not sure where this time, but she figures that, since her parents haven't said anything, she could skip it. Thankfully. 

Abigail steps outside and sits on a chaise longue, asks Kateryna to prepare her a drink.

"Yes, Mary, but irregardless of that... right, regardless, you are right, thank you..." she shuts down the call and keeps reading Finnegans Wake by James Joyce.

Abigail's drink comes, and she walks around with it, trying to catch her mother's attention.

"What is it?" Rebecca puts the marker in and closes the book.

"Nothing." She looks away and taps on the cup.

"Abigail, in life we either say what we will or make peace with being unable to. This meekness will get you nowhere other than frustrated."

"Fine! The Institute has handed me a new contract. 30 hours, history classes of several years."

"What about it?"

"I think there's a better use of my time... like, the exchange program in Eurasia. I was thinking... Vietnam."

"To teach history there instead." Rebecca reopens her book.

"Forget I said anything."

"No, seriously, Abigail." She closes the book harshly this time. "Let's hear it. What's the argument here? I'd say mine's unbeatable, but I'm willing to change my mind."

"It'd be good for me. The chance to do some self-discovery. One year to be myself... to be happy." 

"It's intoxicating to believe that we can chase happiness, and to think of it being everywhere but here. When, in fact, you can be happy wherever you are. True happiness, and not a mere illusion of it, is created rather than found."

Abigail looks away, trying to keep the tears at bay.

"Now, the argument for you to stay here is very simple: we are the main sponsors. How are we supposed to promote the Institute when even our deviant daughter won't work there? The press would have a field day!"

"It's not a degree. It'd be only for six months, a year tops," Abigail says, still refusing to face her mother.

"At first, sure. My answer is no." Rebecca reopens her book.

Abigail's phone vibrates; Zach texts he'll call later. She excuses herself, and lies down on her bed, finishing two more drinks, crying. She puts her ear plugs on and listens to her go-to playlist. Phoebe Bridgers, girl in red, and Clairo always keep her company whenever she needs to feel some sort of comfort. 

The image of a tightrope walker, trying their best to stay balanced on such a thin line, keeps popping up in Abigail's head. She knows in her heart that she's always one misstep away from free falling into her darkness. In the past, whenever she felt this, then the misstep would come, that moment which she dreaded dearly, and she would remain centered. But the anticipation, the idea that it would be that one unfortunate event to down spiral her entire life, would be much more painful than the thing itself.

Just a bit won't hurt. She tells herself whenever things get scarier, harder, heavier. But the relief that she would feel momentarily wouldn't be worth the amount of despair that would come after. She reminds herself that repeatedly. Sometimes once a week or month, sometimes every two minutes, one minute of self-doubt and one minute of reassurance.

She hadn't used her ability for over eight years now. Still, she fears it every day. How would she remain centered if things got truly hard when she was doubtful of herself even in meaningless adversities?

The music stops playing, and the self-doubt stops too, both interrupted by Zach's video call.

"Hey, ugly," Zach says, smiling. He immediately changes his tone when he properly notices her. "Abs, what's going on?"

"Same old. I tried explaining to mom about the exchange program. She didn't even listen and began talking about true happiness and illusions."

"I'm sorry to hear."

"Where are you now?" She wipes her tears and smiles.

"Today I'm technically off work, but I preferred to stay around. To keep my head occupied." He looks away momentarily and some tears slowly drop from his green eyes. "Damien broke up with me yesterday. I felt understood this time, you know? We're both adults. One thing was dating as a teenager. But now, I figured that any relationship that I'd be in, we'd both know what we want."

"What happened?"

"He says he can't be with someone who won't love him."

"I don't understand."

"Because I'm asexual, Abs. I told him right away; I was honest from the start. But now he says that he thought that it would be different with him if he waited a while. That I can't love anyone because of it. I'm tired of being a working project for people."

"You are capable of so much love. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm sorry about Damien. He seemed nice, but you deserve so much more."

"Thanks, I miss you so much. You should come visit me. Or Veronica, and I'd meet you there. And about your exchange program, I'll see if I can persuade general Lewis."

***

"The mountain's out!" Mark comes by the poolside; there isn't a cloud in the sky. "Everything's set for Friday."

"Good. Abigail was here. Again with the idea of going abroad."

"France still? It's a good university. Maybe we should let her. We can't hold her here forever."

"No, an exchange program with the institutes. Not forever, but while we can. Oh, she's going with us on Friday. Kateryna has a family emergency."

"One day we won't be here to hold her back, Rebecca."

Her phone rings. She shows Mark that it's Zach video calling and closes her book.

"My beautiful son, I wish you were calling because you missed us. But I'm sure there's another reason."

"I do miss you, mother, and say hi to dad for me, please."

Rebecca flips her phone and Mark smiles and waves.

"I want to call you all the time. Things have just been crazy here. But as always, you are right. I spoke with Abigail. Come on, mom. Just let her go!"

"You know I can't, Zach. I'm too afraid of what she'll do to herself on her own."

"I understand and I feel the same, trust me. But you can't keep her from living, mom. And at least, be honest with her. What did you say this time?"

"That the press would drag us for not having her working at the Institute. It's not a lie, Zach. They would."

"But that's not why. Be honest with her. And honest with yourselves, too, you can't protect her forever. She has her mistakes and life to live."

***

On the group's house, theyare all on the basement. Megan sits on a chair apart from the rest of thegroup. Alex is on the floor, Diego, Ánh, and Rachel on the couch.  

"We have Marianne Olsen's address, so let's set a plan to see if she's anywhere to be found. I'll take the night shift. Alex, can you take early mornings? Diego, late in the afternoon?" Rachel hands them the details.

Ánh's job is to check any information on cards or phones associated with her, and Megan will be on social media duty. Everyone agrees that she isn't to go anywhere near Marianne. Even Alex is comprehensive for once. They aren't sure how she'll react when she sees her mother after all those years.