Pros and cons of dating an older guy

Chapter 21: Con #11

Con #11 - Falling in love when you're not supposed to because love sucks

"What?"

That's what Jared said when I confessed my feelings, not that it was much of a confession. It was more of a moment of temporary insanity (this seems to be a common theme in my life as of late).

What do you mean what Jared? I love you. There I said it. That's what I wanted to say, but of course I didn't. I'm a coward.

"I didn't mean it in that weird way, I just meant it in a 'I'm grateful for everything you do and for you always making me feel better' way" I finally said. I felt awkward. Everything was awkward. I'd ruined everything, I could feel it.

"Good". Jared said. That's all he said. He just said 'good' and then walked to the bathroom.

What did 'good' mean? Did it mean that Jared was relieved I didn't love him that way, even if I actually did? Did it mean that he didn't want me to fall in love with him even if I already was and it was too late for my sad little heart? I couldn't even read his expression. His face was blank and I couldn't tell what he had been thinking.

I heard the shower start and for a moment I felt relief wash over me. Him showering gave me a little more time to compose myself. I felt heavy with emotion, my chest felt like it was going to explode. I wanted to cry and I felt humiliated. Jared could've just laughed it off instead of making me feel like I was burdening him with my feelings.

It was probably the hormones. I probably didn't love Jared. Everything I was feeling was the hormones. Yeah.

I started cooking and didn't even notice when Jared walked into the kitchen.

"What are you making?" he asked, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

Was he just going to pretend that what happened a few minutes ago didn't happen? Was I also just supposed to pretend that it didn't happen? Was I supposed to pretend that I didn't love Jared?

The thing is, because I'd said it out loud to him, made it feel more real. It felt like I couldn't unlove him or pretend that I didn't love him. If that makes any sense.

But I had to. I had to pretend. If I didn't want to humiliate myself any further I had to pretend.

"Just some chicken and a salad, maybe a baked potato too"

I couldn't look at him. I felt his gaze burning my back for a couple of seconds but then he went to the lounge.

He was on his phone and apart from the noise coming from the TV I was starting to feel really uncomfortable.

"I'm just going to meet Mark for a few drinks" Jared said, getting up from the couch.

I guess he didn't want to be around me right now. He probably felt more uncomfortable than I did.

"Okay, will you be back for dinner?" I asked. But when I saw the look on his face I immediately regretted him. I was starting to look and sound like a possessive wife.

"Not sure, just put my food in the microwave" he said, and with that he was out.

My appetite left with him. I was even getting a headache and decided to lie down on the couch.

I must have completely knocked out because when I woke up it was dark and I could hear voices.

"I wouldn't mind coming home to home cooked meals everyday" I recognized Mark's voice.

"Doesn't Catalina cook for you?" It was a female voice. It was Veronica. My heart started racing. My head was hurting so much I could barely open my eyes. I tried to move to a more comfortable position on the couch without being noticed but a cramp caught me off guard. The pain was so sharp it took all my will not to cry out.

"She's my ex wife's sister and she works the night shift at the hospital. I can't exactly ask her too cook for me when she's already helping me take care of my son" Mark said.

I guess I hadn't been noticed yet. But I couldn't exactly stay on the couch forever. I didn't even know how long they were staying for. I guess Jared was trying to send me a message by bringing Veronica over.

I had to stop feeling sorry for myself all the time. I didn't want to start crying in front  of Jared's  friends and embarrass myself twice in the same day.

As much as the pain in my stomach was almost paralyzing I decided to get up. I was going to try and walk past the kitchen as fast as I could.

"You okay Katie? you look a bit pale" Mark said when he saw me walk towards the kitchen.

I just flashed a little smile, avoided looking in Jared's direction and tried to walk to the bathroom as fast as I could.

It was getting so hard to breathe and I felt like my whole world was collapsing in front of me. Jared didn't have to do that. He didn't have to bring her into our home. He knew how I felt...but I couldn't blame him. I knew the rules. It was may fault. There wasn't supposed to be any feelings involved. It was my mistake. I'm the one who uprooted his whole life and even his relationship with Veronica. I couldn't even blame him.

I tried to open the medicine cabinet but my hands were shaking. I had to hold on to the rail on the side to stay standing but eventually I started to feel my body give up on me.

***

Hey guys! Sorry for taking forever to upload. but here it is, I hope you enjoy reading. Also, please check out other stories in my 'pros and cons' series - lots of heartbreak and rollercoaster emotions all that good stuff :'D please check it out. 

Thanks for reading

love always,

Val

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