Four Broken Pieces ✓

One

According to my Great Grandmother Carlotta, I looked like the miniature version of Aphrodite when I was born. How she knew what the Greek goddess of beauty looked like, I never had a chance to ask. My mother however, took her word for it and named me Aphrodite itself, Roe for short.

I've seen enough baby pictures of mine to know that I was an adorable child. All babies are adorable of course, but I looked like a live doll, made to be played with. I had the heart shaped face, the dimples, the big blue-green eyes, the blackish brown hair and the tanned skin tone the reflected my Italian heritage.

Naturally, over the years that initial cuteness developed into an innocent beauty and my mother, who had always harbored an obsession for the modeling industry, saw me as the perfect opportunity to live out her unfulfilled dreams. And so began the dawn of a new age I called EDM- Exercise, dieting and makeup. If she'd called in this age at the age I am now (17), I wouldn't have minded but instead, she started my diets at the age of 12. Chocolate, waffles, pizza, donuts, and basically everything that tasted even minutely good were swapped out for veggies and fruits. My toy cars and Barbies were soon replaced by makeup and accessories and at some point of time, cycling turned into a form of torture rather than a leisure activity.

I adjusted to the change. Of course I missed having edible food but otherwise, I was as happy as a 12-year-old got. My mother still showered me with love and so, for her, I didn't mind the rigorous modeling routine she put me through, even if it was a bit over the top for a preteen.

Just when everything was going fine, a new age dawned. It began on a cold Thursday night when my mom received a phone call that my dad had passed away in an accident, leaving us with little more than the roof over our heads and no way to pay for anything more. My mother and I broke down that night, not just for my father but also out of fear over what would become of us. My mother didn't have much qualifications and I wasn't even old enough to get a job anywhere.

I'll never forget that one moment when the air around us became slightly frigid. Iciness more associated with evil than winter. The moment when I felt a trickle of foreboding enter my mind and a shiver of fear shot down my spine, like the world itself was warning me of what was to come. It's like I'd known then that what was to come would be one of the most unpleasant phases of my life. An ambitious gleam wiped away any trace of sorrow in my mother's baby blue eyes and even now, I can picture her face in full clarity. With the eerie glow of our flickering electricity and the damp chill in the air, she'd looked like she'd stepped out of a horror film. That look only lasted for a heartbeat, but it was enough to give me chills to this very day. After all, that was the moment when she transformed from my mother to my worst nightmare. 

"Wake up Roe. It's time for school darling." I sat up in my bed and slowly untied the tight braids she'd done to my hair last night. A headache already pounded in the base of my skull and I let out an audible sigh as the last braid came free, releasing my dark wavy hair from the torture. I massaged my head as I slowly made my way into the bathroom, giving myself a brief glance in the mirror.

What I saw frightened me. My high cheekbones looked sharp enough to cut glass and my eyes had sunk deep into my skull. My whole body seemed to be retreating into itself in fear of what the day would bring. I only weighed 60 pounds and yet, I'd never felt more weighed down.

"You look beautiful sweetheart." I practically lurched forward as my mother's face appeared behind me in the mirror. My shoulders shook slightly, not just from her presence but because I was always cold. She spun me around and handed me my clothes for the day. I looked at them with dread.

They looked like underwear. On closer inspection I realized they were lingerie to be exact.

"Mom where are my clothes," I asked nervously, praying to god she wouldn't say what I was thinking. 

"I got you an audition for a lingerie shoot. Isn't that exciting!" Her eyes filled with that familiar gleam and I almost shuddered. I'd never done a shoot in lingerie and my entire being hated the sound of it. Me seeing each line of my ribcage was horrible enough. The thought of someone else seeing how very weak I was was humiliating to the core.

"Mom I don't think," I started but she cut me off as always.

"Now now no excuses. Get showered quickly," she said and left the bathroom. I looked back down at the underwear in my hand, fighting to keep the tears at bay. Dejection slowly seeped in, wrapping itself around my heart like a vice. I was being used like a doll and soon I'd become exactly like one. Lifeless. My whole body was shaking as I washed myself in freezing cold water since my mother claimed hot water dries out the skin. My legs barely kept me up as I quickly slid into the lacy red lingerie and I looked into the full-length mirror. My finger gently traced over the protruding line of my collar bone and I turned away before I could puke then and there.

"Are you ready Roe," my mother called out and I made my way downstairs, wearing a trench coat over my outfit. As I reached the bottom step my mother appeared in front of me, a frown marring her face.

"I've told them to come here so take it off," she said as she practically tore the coat from me and the cold air hit me in full blast. Behind my mother was a whole crew of people, ready for the shoot. My entire body burned as I saw them analyze me with scrutinizing eyes that seemed to highlight every flaw.

"Very well, tell her to lay down here," said what looked the lead man. I did as I was told, hating every second of it, and sprawled my self on the couch in what I knew would be a sexy pose. My mother had taught me after all.

"More your hand here," said another man as he shifted my arm so it draped over my stomach, his hands gently brushing the bare skin there. I knew he didn't mean it but my heart still turned to lead.

After what seemed like a lifetime of posing, the men left, leaving a few printed photos for my mother to look through. She seemed pleased so my job was done. I quietly slid of the couch to make my way back to my room, to burn these clothes in the fireplace.

"Come see how beautiful you look Roe," my mother called out. She then dragged me back by the arm and went through picture after picture. Of course I looked good. My hand had managed to cover my protruding ribs and I had all the makeup in the world to hide the lifelessness in my face. No matter what they'd done though, they couldn't hide the glassiness in my eyes.

I looked like a doll and it disgusted me. 

"They're wonderful mother," I lied and ran up the stairs, taking them 2 at a time. I pulled on a hoodie and track pants before going back down, hopefully for some food.

"Mom what's for breakfast," I asked as I came back down to the living room.

"Do these first and get back," she said absentmindedly, still flipping through my pictures. I looked at the list she'd handed me with deep seeded horror- my treacherous workout plan for the day. It would take me at least 3 hours to finish. My stomach was already growling with hunger. 

"Mom can I just have an," she cut me off.

"Darling, don't talk back. Just do what I tell you," she said, looking up at me with a deceptive smile. It looked innocent and harmless, but I knew she'd explode if I said another word.

"Alright," I said dejectedly as I slid my running shoes on.

"Oh and darling," she said as stopped at the corner of the living room, the gleam returning to her eyes.

"Yes?"

"Focus on the abs today. I think you're getting a bit chubby there," she said and I felt like she'd punched me in the stomach. I lifted my hoodie and felt the ribs pointedly stick out against the nubs of my fingers. One day, they'd give out completely and I'd stop breathing. Then and only then would she understand, I thought, as I made my way out the door.

If you liked this chapter vote and comment below. Any constructive criticism will be much appreciated. 

-ASH