Four Broken Pieces ✓

Forty

She sat on the corner of the bed my Grandfather had gifted her during her stay here. The room made her seem completely out of place with its bright yellow walls, cream bedspreads and white wardrobes. My mother was by no means a large woman, but she dwarfed the room she sat in. Or maybe it was the unsaid words that were choking me and made the walls seem to close in on both of us.

"Thank you for what you said downstairs. I didn't expect that," I said to break the oppressive silence. She nodded before suddenly standing up. She began to pace the room in suppressed agitation before finally stopping in front of me with an agonized expression. There was no gleam, no lies but whatever she was going to say wasn't easy for her. She was going to give me honesty after all this time so I could figure out where all of this went wrong.

"When I came to your house darling, I didn't expect them there." Was that supposed to be an apology or an explanation? She was going to have to give me more than that. I raised an eyebrow and she huffed out a breath. She seemed to be curving in on herself in what appeared to be shame.

"I thought you'd replaced me and I was angry because you'd promised me a chance to mend our relationship but then you found yourself a new family." She said it in one breath before placing herself back down on the bed. She looked humiliated beyond belief and I understood why. She'd sounded like a child who didn't get attention. She put her head in her hand while I just gaped at her. How could she not see how much I loved her? When I'd thought I'd lost those boys, she was the only thing that made me want to live. She was my anchor, my family.

"I could never replace you. I love you. I love them too but you are just as important to me as you always have been. They don't change that." She smiled when she looked up at me. Suddenly, she looked years younger. I hadn't thought she'd ever doubt my love for her. It had always been painstakingly obvious to everyone else. But I suppose it had seemed like I'd replaced her the last time she'd come home. I'd been living with them and her room was now theirs. Oh god where would she stay when she moved back? Would she approve of the boys staying in my room? I was so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't realized when she'd moved to stand in front of me.

"I know. I can see that. In my anger I didn't see it before but I see you look at them and I see myself looking at your father all those years ago. But that's all in the past now." Her face was soft and serene and I finally saw the blazing truth as she uttered those words. How had I been so blind before? It fit.

She'd looked at my dad like I looked at my boys, like he was her whole world. That night she received that phone call, her whole world must have shattered. I'd seen as much in the way she'd changed. When I'd thought I'd lost my boys, the love I felt for my mother was the only thing that had kept me from slipping but she must have had nothing to hold on to.

And in her desperation, she must have turned her love, affection, adoration and obsession to something else. It would be something she could never lose because it was the only thing holding her together. It would be something she'd always loved and dreamed of. The world of fashion and beauty.

If my mother was my anchor, that long lost dream of fashion and beauty was hers. It explained so much. It explained why she could never choose me. She may even love me but that long lost dream of being a model was all that had kept her from slipping in her darkest moments. As much as I wished now that she'd turned that love and affection to me, I could see why she hadn't. She could lose me but that dream would have never gone away if I hadn't taken it away from her. She took the easier choice. It hadn't been the right one but I couldn't blame her for that. She'd taken that decision when she'd just lost the love of her life and was left to raise a child all on her own.