You Know Your Rights!

Today I'm Dirty & Want To Be Pretty

Today I'm dirty
And I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I'm just dirt
Today I'm dirty
And I want to be pretty
Tomorrow, I know I'm just dirtWe are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
When we're dead
They'll know just who we are - Marilyn Manson

It was 6:00 A.M. the next day. I looked over at your sleeping face. Beautiful, yet so saddening. I couldn't live with myself. I just figured out you were doing heroine, and you just promised me you would stop. You said you would stop, so I figured why not try to stop you now. You promised me you would stop using it anyway, so this would only help you. 

I scavenged the dark room in hopes I would find the drugs along with the syringe. Once I found it I picked it up delicately, since I was too afraid of pricking myself with it. I quickly scurried away into the bathroom next to our room and hastily dumped all of the kit's contents into the toilet and flushed. You wouldn't need them anymore, and now you wouldn't even be able to abuse them. They aren't around you, now. Out of sight out of mind, right?

I quickly slipped back into our bed where You were cocooned into the comforter. Your face was akin to that of a small innocent child. A child shouldn't be on drugs. So I'm stopping you from attaching yourself to them. Bad habits die hard, and I was convicted to have you not die because of them.

Two hours have past since then. It was officially time for our day to begin. We were starting out on a new leaf. No more drugs, no more sadness, no alarms, and no surprises. We woke up, showered, and got dressed. However, I couldn't help but feel hurt and afraid when I peaked over only to see scabs litter your pale porcelain skin. 

'No stop it! It's all over now, and done with. Quit lingering on it! We're starting a new chapter in our lives we don't need a downer holding us back and focusing on the past!' I scolded myself.

You and I went out to hang out with all the other guys. We were all having fun! We were laughing, playfully pushing each other, and throwing McDonald's fries towards each other. It was amazing. We were all having fun. At least I thought we were all having fun. Whenever, I looked over towards you were shaking, sweaty, and pale. I didn't quick understand it then, but you were having a withdrawal.  You wanted another hit, but you had no way of getting it yet.

Tonight we all had to perform on stage. I was up on stage while I just assumed you were backstage. Eddie and I were performing and just having a good time making the fans happy. It lasted for around 40 minutes. When we finished our closing songs we walked  back stage sweaty and exhausted.

Eddie, our bands, and I left and went our separate ways. I was backstage while Alice in Chains and Soundgarden were onstage performing.

"Damn, where is he?" I muttered to myself. 

It wasn't like you to wander off like this. After every show we always greeted each other. Even if it was just for a minute we always did so. It wasn't until I stumbled upon a slightly cracked closet door that I heard your pitched giggled voice, but you sounded intoxicated. 

I slowly peeked my head in on to see you conversing with Courtney with a needle being infected to your arm and hers as well. Why damnit? Why! I began to silently shake, but I couldn't look away. I wanted to see what else you would do. 

Courtney began to giggle along with you until she forced herself from off of the shelves behind her and began to approach your figure. She wrapped her arms around you and towered over you by one to two inches. Courtney began to kiss you eyes, cheeks, and lips, and you seemed all to content. You didn't push her off. It was like you didn't give a shit. It was like you were a different person. You weren't Kurt anymore. Instead you were turning into some sort of monster you were not.

I turned away and hurried away to hide in our hotel. Seeing another strange girl rub up on you can really destroy a girl's self esteem. It made her come back to me that night as well.

'He broke his promise, just like I said he would.' "No, he was just high he didn't know what he was doing. It was an accident!" I screamed out to her as I lit a cigarette. 'Are you really that stupid? He didn't push her off. He wanted her. Don't you remember what mother all those years back?'

"No man wants spoiled goods." I whispered out to myself.

'He only married you out of pity.'

"No! You're wrong he loves me! He does!"

'Then why does he constantly lie to you?' She questioned softly.

I began to fidget as I conceded and agreed with her logic. She was right. Why would he lie to me if he truly loves me like he says he does?

As if to answer my question she stated only the obvious to me. 'Because we are the nobodies. We're not pretty looking, but we're dead. And so is he.' 

I chuckled softly and began to weep to myself as she could only hit the nail exactly on it's head. I stomped out the cigarette with my bare foot onto the hotel carpet below me. "That's exactly who we are."

She leaned back on the wall content that I have finally seen her side of things, and smiled gingerly. 'Cheers to that.'

"He won't be chained down to me anymore, and neither will I be to him!" I needed to live my own life. I couldn't have him ruining my life and my party. If he wanted Courtney Love so be it. I wanted and lusted after life, and I'm going to get it!