You Know Your Rights!

Paranoid Android

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking, squealing Gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name?
I guess he does - Radiohead

Days now seemed to drag out into weeks feeling like months and years. Music wasn't an art form for you anymore it was tedious chore for you as of lately. While, your lyrical quality never dropped the dark and erratic melodies and lyrics seemed to only bleed more and more into your music. It wasn't  problem per-say, but it was only evident of your ever growing disdain and hatred towards the music industry , and towards yourself.

The MTV awards only seemed to make it worse. Now it wasn't even about your music. It was about how good you looked. Even before you said that at least they liked your music (even if it was Smells Like Teen Spirit). Now, nothing mattered. To you, you could release utter garbage, but as long as you were pretty looking by the mass public's standards your music would sell, and create another 'monster' for showbiz.

You were the new 'it' thing now. You were put on an even higher pedestal than you were before. You were now considered god-like. But you weren't God, nor were you human anymore. You were a malfunctioning robot.

You were a broken machine who continuously and constantly tried to make sense of his reality only to break down, and be repaired all over again once you discovered the ugly truth. No matter what you did, you could never hope of escaping the public's spot light. All eyes on you. In a sense you were becoming the next Syd Barrett ,or better yet the next Beethoven. You were a victim and a martyr or your own music.

Their music only reflected the struggles they were facing in their everyday lives. For Syd Barrett it was growing insanity, his drug abuse and Schizophrenia. For Beethoven it was losing something vital to him, his hearing. For you it was losing your creative freedom, and becoming part of the machine, and a part of the system you despised. 

Your drug abuse also spiked up again around this point. Not only were you back on heroin, but you were also downing my own pills down your throat. Whenever, I saw you like that I saw Andy's dead grey fish eyes. Those dead grey fish eyes were now inherited by you. All color and life seemed to fade away from within you. 

God, seeing you dazed and confused scared me. Whenever, I asked you why you would do this to yourself all you answered me was with it made you feel happy and dumb.  It made you oblivious to society and the world around you for a few hours. It made you feel numb, just like any robot. You were trying to make yourself completely devoid of any emotion. To me I could only compare it to Lord of the Flies. Piggy lost his glasses tearing away the small shred of innocence he had left and blinded him to reality which ended up leading to his death. The drugs you were taking tore away any shred of purity and naivety you once harbored and left you blinded to reality. It would also lead to your own death. However, this is what you wanted. You wanted freedom and security from the outside world and these narcotics perfectly served that purpose.

The more you struggled against life the more it would grow to consume and your dream whole and corrupt it from the inside out. This thought alone withered your insides metaphorically, but the drugs withered your insides literally.

Whenever, I think back on these days I often ask myself : Why didn't you send him to rehab sooner, why didn't you go out to see where he was buying heroin, why did you confront him upfront and not subtly just imply you knew he was doing something heinous and deadly.  I was stupid for just leaving you on the sidelines thinking that you could stop yourself before it killed you, but I was sorely mistaken.

The only thing I did right was flush my own pills down the toilet. This way you couldn't abuse them anymore. But this in turn made me more erratic, paranoid, and jumpy than usual. I couldn't think properly. It was like I was getting pulled in all directions. You, Frances, the music industry, and my past all held such a tight strangle hold around my neck to the point of suffocation. I didn't want to let go of any of them, you and Frances included. These were the chinks blatantly evident within my armor. I was so frail that anyone of those things could've wrecked me. And, I was right it did.

Your dream to be yourself and an individual was proven to be fruitless. Your ambition made you look pretty ugly. You wanted to be happy and free, but those drugs withered away and poisoned your insides, and bled onto your outer features. You were turning into something you were. You were now a monster man.

You would look yourself away in our bedroom leaving alone with Frances. I could either assume you went up their to shoot up without me or our daughter having to bear witness to you poisoning your own body, or  you were writing music. Either way you didn't want to be around us either. You weren't happy with us. We were a burden and troublesome to your drug-induced happiness. 

That day was another one of those days. Our small child sat on the ground looking up at me while I looked down towards her. Her innocent small smile and hypnotizing torquiest eyes only served to remind me of you, and haunted me whenever I looked at her. 

But even as a young girl she was smart. She could see the salty tears of mine flowing down my cheeks. She waddled towards me with her cubby small legs and gently kissed away my tears as if to tell me everything would be ok. This only served to remind me more of you, and how you would do this to me whenever I cried.

My cries turned into small sniffles as I pulled her small body towards my own and held her towards my bosom as she chortled and giggled in delight still completely naive and unaware of the situation she was present in.

I rocked her back and forth a few times. It didn't serve as any service to her, but it aided my own struggles when trying to calm down.

I pulled her away from my own figure and in that instant her teal eyes met my own hazel ones.

"Please don't ever leave me like Daddy did. Promise me this please." I whispered this out to her despite the fact that I knew that she couldn't understand one bloody word I was saying. Still, it made me feel better to know that I could hold onto her for a little while, while you only continued to fade away both figuratively  and physically.

A/N: I'll have a better chapter out soon. Sorry if I'm handing his drug abuse in a bad way. I'm trying to handle this with as much delicacy and carefulness in the world. If you have any suggestions please let me know.