Sam and Colby: The Penitentiary

70

I felt my eyes glaze over as I stared straight ahead in line. I wondered what it would be like when we got back. All of the guys would be thanking god that they get to see their girls again, but I... I'd never get to see Colby again.

The guys would spend every second with their girlfriends when we got home. What would I do? Probably just go sit in our room. No, I couldn't do that. I couldn't even sleep in the guest room alone. I'd probably just go back home, back to Oklahoma.

I thought about how everyone else would react when they heard the news. I wouldn't be able to say it, probably wouldn't even be able to be in the room when it was announced.

We'd all get home and the guys would say hi to everyone, giving out hugs and kisses before sitting them all down once they realized Colby hadn't come back with us. I'd end up going upstairs to our room and finding a hoodie of his that still smelled like him. I'd lay in his spot in bed and put on the hoodie to try and savor every last bit of him that I could.

Reggie would probably come in first. He'd try to joke around with me and get me to smile. But I didn't feel anything right now and I doubt I'd feel anything when we got back. Kevin would come in after, just give me a long hug and tell me that things were going to get better. That wouldn't be much help at all.

Aryia would probably come in after them and he'd be the most helpful. I remembered a quote he'd said in one of his last videos: things don't get better. Things pass and you get better. Yeah, that'd help more than anything else. But words weren't enough. I needed Colby. But I couldn't have him anymore.

And then the funeral would come. There wouldn't even be a body, of course. And what would we even say happened? Who would believe us that Colby got shot escaping a prison because we were stuck in a time loop in the 70s? No one would believe us. We'd have to make something up, find a way to explain where he'd gone.

Oh, god. We'd have to tell his parents. I'd have to see his mother sitting right next to that empty casket with a hole in her heart. Parents aren't supposed to be around when their own children die.

If he was dead, I wanted to be dead. Call it a Romeo and Juliet type bullshit story, but I really needed Colby. So much. And knowing that he wasn't here hurt me so fucking bad. So bad that I didn't want to be here either.

I wanted to tell myself that dying in this time period would send us back to where we'd come from. But I knew that wasn't how this worked. We had to escape and be alive long enough to see Ray get caught.

I didn't want to do anything anymore. I didn't want to breathe when I knew that Colby wasn't. I didn't want to stand, blink, speak. I didn't want to be alive.

"Nessa, hey," Corey said softly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me a little bit so I'd face him. "I know, honey," he said. He reached up and wiped off my face with his thumbs and I realized I'd been crying. I didn't bother wiping away the new tears that were spilling down my face, though. There was no point in hiding it.

I was broken.

"No you don't," I mumbled.

"What?" asked Jake.

"You don't know," I said.

"Ness, we lost him, too," Sam said quietly.

"You lost a best friend. But when we go home, you still get to go and hold someone. You get to sleep next to someone at night. You get to kiss them and tell them you love them and spend your time with them and get married and have kids and live your life out and die together. But I don't get to do that. I get to go back and be alone. I get to fall asleep at night wishing I'd done something different so that he was still fucking breathing. I get to wake up alone and be reminded every morning that Colby's not going to be there with me. That he will never be there with me again. I know that you lost him too. We all lost a best friend. But I also lost the love of my life and I'm not going to listen to you pretend you know what that feels like," I said.