What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

9. Anxiety

Friday 1.31am

So he kissed me... and I kissed him... and a bit later we cuddled on the sofa while I stuffed my face with carrots and hummus, watching the end of the show. It was so nice, I feel exhilarated just thinking about it.

I'm now laying in my bed wondering what this means.

I've been in situations where I just wanted to have a bit of fun, found a nice guy and enjoyed each other for a while but it was clear that it wasn't gonna be serious. But with him... with him... I hope for more. I have developed feelings deeper than I wanted to admit and the way he reacted tonight makes me believe he feels the same.

I don't want to scare him or force him into something he doesn't want obviously, so we should take it slow... I think.

It would be easy to fall into something serious pretty quickly seeing that we already know each other so well and that I hang out at his place all the time.

I'm not gonna change anything. I need to promise myself to give him his space too. I don't want him to suffocate and feel obliged to be who he is not.

I'm happy with what we have right now.

In the morning, I go to work, getting on with my routine. God I'm so tired. I don't message him. I never do anyway because he's terrible at answering messages. Or if I do, I don't expect him to answer. No change here.

I do think about him a lot though and how he will be when I see him tonight.

You know that feeling you get when you see that person the next day, the unknown. Will they be the same as the night before? Will they be confident in their feelings? Or will they have spent the day thinking about it and realising it was a mistake.

Ben comes to mind... I was young though. I had that crush, Ben, two years older than me, dark curly hair (pattern?), dark skin (no pattern), fit but not buff. We were hanging out all the time. He introduced me to his friends and I could tell there was something more. I sneaked out from my parents' house one night and biked to his place. His parents were away. They had a swimming pool and after a midnight dip, we sat on the long chairs and snuggled under a shower of shooting stars. Magical. He kissed me and it got pretty heated, but I stopped it because I wanted more from this. I was also a virgin and didn't want to give myself too quickly. The next day, we met up for coffee and he acted all weird without saying what was bothering him. I tried to hold his hand but he would let go after a few seconds. After taking me home, in front of my fucking door, he dropped the dreaded "I don't think it was a good idea. I don't want to lose you as a friend" bombshell. I thought I knew the guy. He was so sweet and funny. I guess he just wanted to get into my pants. Needless to say our so called 'friendship' ended that day.

Worst is that I forgot my key that day and my parents were out so I had to go to the neighbours in tears to ask for the spare key. So embarrassing for a 16 year old.

So obviously, marked for life, I get a little anxious to see the guy I really like the day after we kissed and admitted we liked each other because of that asshole. Will he be Ben version 2.0? I mean, he's a grown up so I would hope not, and our circumstances are different too, right?!?

My last patient is Mrs Kim. I love her.

"Right Mrs Kim. I'm gonna go."

"Oh no! Already? I haven't told you about my grandson yet." Is she trying to fix me up?

"I'm really sorry Mrs Kim but I have plans."

"But he is newly single, a very good looking young man. He's a doctor!" Yeah, I don't date doctors. "He'll be here shortly." Why do I suddenly feel the need to hurry out of her apartment? Haha!

"Oh well, I will have missed him by a few minutes then." I say picking up my things, faking disappointment and walking to the door.

And just like that I hear the doorbell. Damn!

"Ah! You didn't miss him at all! Will you get the door please dear?"

I open it, as she is sitting comfortably on her armchair, and this... really, really good looking six foot tall guy appears. He has a killer smile, sweet and charming, not confident and cocky. I'm trying not stare at his lips but they are so curvy and playful. Look away! He's wearing jeans and a dark grey t-shirt, holding his leather jacket.

"Hi! I'm here to see halmeoni... sorry... my grandma."

"Hi... Come on in." I let him in, holding the door wide open, not knowing what to do with myself. I get a wind of his cologne as he walks by me. He has to smell nice as well?!?

I am torn between sneaking out rudely, or just staying for a few minutes to be polite. Who am I kidding? He is gorgeous and I just want to talk to the man for longer... Such a hoe... Such a hoe... I sigh.

"Right Mrs Kim! I will see you on Tuesday. Have a nice weekend." I shout from the hall, happy to have beaten my superficial urges.

I look back and see him standing there, smiling at me... the light from the bay window shining behind him... Wow, he's stunning... Nope! I'm off!

I close the door behind me and blow all the air from my lungs as if to exorcise the flustered state inhabiting me.

Right! Reset! And go.

It doesn't take me long to feel excited at the thought of seeing my man again tonight, with that hint of anxiety.

On my way to his place, after picking up dinner, I get a call from him.

"Hello?" I answer from the Bluetooth in my car.

"Hey." Just hearing his voice makes me smile and gives me goosebumps. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you done for the day?"

"Yes, I just left Mrs Kim's and I got..." I can't wait to see him.

"I have a friend stopping by tonight. Do you mind not coming?" Oh... Why doesn't he want me to see his friend? I can't help but feeling down. "It's a YouTuber and I don't really want them to know about my personal life."

"Sure." I am so disappointed and something tells me that my short answer shows him how I feel.

"I'm sorry it's last minute." I look at the 'dinner for two' sitting on the passenger seat, and then I think about the whole 'not doing relationship' thing 'because it's too much hard work'. I don't want him to already feel that I am demanding. Suck it up.

"No! It's okay! Sorry I was concentrating on the road! Haha! Yeah. Not a problem. I'll get a good night sleep. I was a bit of a zombie today!" I hope I'm not sounding excessively blasé about it.

"I can come to yours tomorrow if you want. We can go somewhere."

"I'm sorry but my friend Viv is over this weekend."

"Oh yeah I remember you said. I'd rather letting you guys catch up if that's okay." Damn... I feel sad now realising that I won't see him for the next few days.

"Thanks... When it's just the two of us, we can be pretty crazy and I'm not ready for you to see that side of me." He laughs. I smile.

"Is Viv leaving Sunday?"

"Monday morning."

"Have a good time. Be good." His voice is comforting.

"I will!"

"See you."

"Bye."

I want to tell him that I'll miss him, that I want to see him and hug him and kiss him and whine... a lot... but I won't. I don't want to scare him off. He ends the call.

I love Viv (sisters from another mother) but this is such bad timing. I can't cancel on her because she's coming all the way from the east coast and I haven't seen her in ages.

She's one of the few friends who makes me feel "normal". With her, my obsessive behaviour and out of scale enthusiasm for new things feels normalised. She's like me and when we are together, oh gods... I pity the world around us! Haha!