What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

10. Panic

Saturday 10.01am

"Come on girl! Spill the beans. What's his name?"

"What?"

"You've checked your phone like five times since I arrived? I talk about the new Gojo merch I got and you just hum? Something's on your mind... or someone?" She elbows me cheekily.

I'm trying to focus on the road, driving us downtown so we can go to that new Kpop shop that just opened.

"You know! My Fibromyalgia patient turned friend!"

"The one you have a crush on?" I can see her face lighting up.

"Yeah... Well something happened and..."

"Oh my god you slept with him?"

"WHAT?! NO! No... not yet but the other night he got jealous, like really bad because of a misunderstanding and I nearly left but then I explained and..."

"And?!? Girl you're killing me! What happened?"

"And we kissed."

"Aaahhhhh!! I'm so happy! So are you guys like, a thing?"

"I think so but I don't know, because I haven't seen him since. He cancelled last night because something came up and when he suggested to do something today, I reminded him you were here and..."

"Awww... I'm sorry... But I'm not sorry... But I am... Anyway why don't you text him? You're obviously dying to."

"He won't reply. He's not the type. And I don't want things to be different."

"You want to stay friends?"

"No! I just don't want to be a bore, an effort for him."

"Listen, he obviously likes you and he likes you enough to let you in and get jealous. 'I don't do relationships' means that he has casual relationships usually, but we both know there is nothing casual about yours. You guys are close, care for each other, know each other and most important point, he has not run away knowing how much of a psycho you are." She burst into laughter.

"Heyyyyy!" What's that supposed to mean?

"I love you but you know what I mean."

"Yeah... I know." I say defeated.

"So when do you see him next? Am I gonna meet him?" Her eyes sparkle in excitement.

"No... He knows I've missed you and wants to give us space. And I told him that I wasn't ready for him to see that side of me... when I'm with you." We both laugh knowing exactly what I am referring to.

"Well... do you have a picture?"

"On my phone. Check the Camroll."

She picks up my phone and scrolls through the manga, kdrama actors and other pictures and finds a normal looking dude.

"Black curly hair..." I say.

"I found him. He's pretty cute."

"I know." I feel my cheeks heating up. "We're here."

After spending too much money I didn't think I had on new albums and merch, we stop at a coffee shop, then move along to the manga store close to my place before grabbing lunch at a trendy café.

The afternoon is spent doing a zoom with our friends on the East Coast. God can we be any louder? Haha!

We then start binging on Jujutsu Kaisen for the seventh time, eating snacks and mixing that with some music videos and nattering non stop. I am so thirsty from all that talking and laughing. I've missed her so much.

When Travis died, she moved in with me for a month. She was allowed to work remotely and just dropped everything for me. She constantly nags me to move over to the other side of the country but there is something keeping me here. Something I can't explain. Maybe I'm scared of losing Travis if I move away, although that kid would kick the shit out of me if he knew I was staying for his memory. I'm just not ready. And with my man now in the picture, and I know I can't tell yet if this is gonna be worth it but, I don't want to go anywhere.

I have managed to get tickets to some live music tonight, a local desert rock band I really like and have been meaning to show her for ages.

The place is packed, so I keep her close to me, not letting go of her hand so that we can reach the bar.

"Two beers please." I order.

"Wow!"

"Busy right?"

"Yeah but I said wow because of the amount of babes around. Did you chose this place just for me?" She jokes.

"Of course I did my love!" I didn't. "Please don't wonder off though."

"Yes boss."

The performance is sick. I haven't been to a live gig in ages and I just needed my gal to just get out. I miss this place. It's been years since I last came. The only downfall to returning to a favourite place is the usual clientele.

"Hey Mina! So good to see you." He says shyly.

I turn around at the voice that brings chills to my whole body... and not in a good sense.

"Antoine." I still hate that man as much as I did two years ago.

"Viv. Visiting?"

"Yeah." Viv is fuming too and I can tell that she's that close to get her claws out even though he has done nothing so far.

"You look well." He says smiling at me. I look down and see he is drinking a soda.

"I am. You look... healthy."

"I've been clean since..." He doesn't continue. I am so enraged that he has been clean since Travis left us, as if it was any use to me. I need to control my anger, but my throat is burning. "Can we talk?"

"I came here to have some fun Antoine. I don't want to talk to you."

"Please." He won't let go.

"Fine. You have five minutes."

I look at Viv, who shooting him with her stare, reassuring her that I will be fine. Following him in the beer garden, we sit at a table. I can tell he is building courage right now.

"You're the first person I needed to make amends to and I've not been able to. I know I've said it before and I'm not expecting you to forgive me for what I have done to Travis, but please forgive me for what I have done to you." Here we go again. It's like deja-vu. I've been in that seat many times before.

"Fine. I forgive you for being an ass, for using the money I saved to send Travis to college to buy your drugs, for neglecting me and your child, for a lousy father and partner and for being selfish. Happy?"

"I don't think you mean any of that, but I am really really..."

"Sorry? I know you say that every time."

"Mina. I've been clean for nearly two years now. I've changed. I've settled."

"Wow. So happy for you to be able to forget all about us and move on so easily. Good luck to your new girl and your future children." My sarcasm is not subtle. I stand up, ready to go.

"Mina..."

"I will never, ever forgive you. 'People forgive' they say. I will never forgive you for ripping off a piece of me. My flesh..." I can't breathe properly. "My blood..." What is happening? "My soul..." My hands are shaking uncontrollably, tears flowing, my heart aching. How did this happen? I was so angry I didn't feel them coming and now I am hyperventilating. I turn around and feel helpless. I can't control myself and force myself to fall to the ground as my legs are becoming so weak. I am completely panicked and scared.