Once Upon A Prostitute

CHAPTER 49 - GRIEF!

Mina's POV

So I'm back to square one, snuggled up with the darkness underneath the covers. Who needs the light when all I feel is pain and hopelessness? At least the darkness wouldn't mock me. I see no light at the end of the tunnel anyway.

I discovered something more painful than heartbreak. Grief!

With heartbreak, there was a little ray of hope that poked its head through the pain every now and then. With grief, came hopelessness. A resolute feeling of defeat that drowns every hope in you. Because this pain could not be undone. How could it ever stop hurting if she would never be here... forever.

After I read the facebook posts yesterday, I drifted like a zombie and found myself at the lake. I was too dazed to cry or scream. I felt weird. I waded into the water until I was completely submerged beneath it. But I still felt the heaviness, like a sinking stone in the pit of my belly. There was no refreshing or rejuvenation, there was no sense of clarity. Nothing made sense anymore. I almost drowned myself in the freezing cold water, but even the cold could not subdue the pain and heaviness in my soul. I got out of the lake defeated and broken.

Heartbreak got nothing on grief. Some pains are so deep, they make other pains easily forgettable.

With this pain came feelings of anger, hopelessness and regret, tons of regret. If only I had acted sooner, this would probably not have happened. If only I hadn't been a selfish coward, maybe the ring would have been busted already. Tet will be alive.

The facebook post said they saw her body in an alley. I remembered how I left her bleeding in an alley. I shouldn't have left her that night. I should have stayed by her side and stuck it out together. That's what friends do, that's what sisters do.  I tried not to imagine her lying lifeless in an alley but I couldn't help the fort images that flashed into my mind. It gave me goosebumps and filled me with a strong wave of self-loathing. My night was plagued with nightmares and my morning was filled with guilt. Why did I have to be such a coward? Why couldn't I be brave?

I  turned under the covers and the darkness shifted. The light coming in through the window hit my eyes and I squinted. What was the sun shining so bright for?  I forced myself to get up and went to the bathroom to do my hygiene. I have been under the covers since I came back from the lake yesterday, and I skipped work today being Monday. Eve's been calling, but I don't feel like talking to her. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

I drew in a sharp breath as the cold water from the shower hit my skin. Maybe I wanted my body to feel the hurt that my heart felt. Maybe the stinging cold on my flesh will reward me with a fraction of the punishment I deserve. Maybe I wanted it to draw my attention away from the regret deep in my soul. I stared at the tiles, trying to understand why my destiny was written with the black ink of sadness, marred by mistakes.

I shivered a little under the cold shower but I didn't get out. I stared at the wall tiles and watched my memories of Tetura play out like a movie. It was Tetura who nursed me back to health after initiation night. While other girls were spiteful or indifferent, she was kind. So many times, she took jobs for me because she knew I was not ready, neither physically nor mentally. There were months when I didn't get any money because my earnings were too low to even cover my upkeep fee. She shared her money with me, bought me things I needed. She bore many of my burdens and never complained. She was the only one in the ring I had told about papa, Tekena, Dagogo and my life. And she listened. In a place where everyone was consumed with their own problems and tried to bury them in drugs and alcohol she listened to me.