Hellen had a son who was 3 years older than me. I can't remember the very start of it. But at some point around age 10 he started making me touch him, touching me and doing just unspeakable things any time he got the chance. At some points he'd say it was all my fault. Threaten to kill me if I told anyone. I didn't understand. I was so young. And with everyone being so hateful to me, those moments didn't seem so bad because he was actually nice for once.
This escalated though. I'd try to pull away, tell him to stop, but he was bigger than me, stronger than me and I couldn't escape.
What started off as just touching, became disgusting. Toe sucking, just gross.
Then came the painful parts.
Around that time, things got so bad at home I tried going to the school counselor for help. They sent CPS to our house. Hellen forced me to lie to them about everything. Our family started going to counseling.
I can't remember what the counselor asked me. I can't even remember my responses. All I know is that I enjoyed the escape and the presence of that nice lady.
I didn't get any help from counseling because Hellen was always telling me what to say what not to say and then questioning me on the way home and telling me the counselor tells her everything, I was terrified.
At one point they did an evaluation on me, asked me a bunch of questions. I don't remember how I even answered or what it was even for. Nobody ever told me the results of that evaluation but I'm going to guess it was bad because any time I asked Hellen, she got so angry.
My dad and her started going to couples counseling. Leaving me alone with her sons.
He raped me. I didn't know it until years later but he raped me. The pain was excruciating and still to this day I have never screamed in pain like I did that day (I've since had two kids, both by c section). I was bleeding profusely, I didn't understand. He told me I had started my period, he told me to tell Hellen that too. I was 12. I didn't even know what a period was.
I never started another "period" again while she was around. She asked me every month if I had. She HAD TO HAVE KNOWN WHAT HAPPENED.
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Her Inner Strength
SpiritualThis is just details of my life. Me just trying to recall and work through things. I hope someone, somewhere can relate. But I'm more or less treating this as a public journal of the story of my life. The events may not be in order, they're just my...
