Her Inner Strength

My First Real Love

I had two relationships where I ended it and hooked up with the guy I mentioned earlier  before actually ending it with them. The guy became a good friend of mine but I also slept with him. He liked me and I knew it but I kept having sex with other people and dragging him along as my friend.
I finally gave him a chance after being good friends for 6 months. We went to three proms together our junior year and 2 homecomings and 3 proms our senior year. We smoked pot a lot and was always smoking with his best friend. I stayed at his house enough I had my own drawer in his room. We went on a couple vacations together.
We were together for almost 2 years.
I don't know if it was the birth control mixed with drug use fucking with my emotions and brain or if it was the trauma. Maybe the addiction to sex and the rush it gave me but I cheated on that boy more times than I can even count now. I even went as far as having the weed dealer I cheated on him with come hang out with us.  This was the moment where I was the toxic one. My mental state was destroyed at the time.  My guilt made me lash out at him, accusing him of the things I was doing to him. Treating him like shit. He didn't deserve that and it wasn't his fault. I was broken and struggling with things beyond his control.
One night, we were at his best friends and I passed out from being so high from weed as well as a Xanax I found on the floor where I worked. He went through my phone while I was passed out and he found messages I had forgotten to delete. He ended it with me. I threw a whole fit. Threatened to kill myself. Made a complete ass of myself but it was after all, my fault and I don't blame him. I would have left me too. He stayed with me longer than he should have.
I realized I needed help. I needed to go to counseling. And a psychiatrist. I got diagnosed with ptsd which had went untreated up until that point. I got discouraged and quit going to counseling soon after beginning.