Her Inner Strength

I should be Relieved

It was like life was starting over for me. I was 13 and finally the "storm" was over. I should feel relieved. But as the realization slowly then like a wave, hit me. My whole childhood had been stolen from me. All the trauma I had endured hit me like a truck. I didn't know who I even was. I didn't know how to express myself. I was ugly, insecure in my own skin and so self conscious. I was struggling with my own identity. Struggling with my new freedoms, I was discovering who I was for the first time. Thirteen was already a hard enough age, add on the 7 years of childhood trauma I endured and I'm unsure how I even got through it.
Spending time with my dad was amazing to me, I felt like we had so much time to make up for. He bought me anything and everything I ever wanted for Christmas.
I even got to go to Mamas and Papas again and spend the night pretty much whenever I wanted.
Hellen always punished me for eating more than I was allowed. Any time I ate, I felt disgusting. It got to the point where if I felt I over ate, I'd make myself puke while in the shower. I binged and purged. A lot.
I'm unsure when it started but at some point I began regurgitating my food, chewing and it and swallowing it. That lasted for years. I now know it is called Rumination Syndrome and it happens in kids with traumatic home lives or ones who live in poverty and don't know when their next meal will be.
Binging and purging started after Hellen left.
I still, struggled with everything silently. I had nightmares she was coming back. I would wake up in cold sweats, my chest feeling tight and my breathing rapid and shallow. Panic attacks. I still struggled with panicking on the way home on the bus or any time we would be on our way home for that matter. I panicked when I woke up in the mornings. I was relieved that Hellen was gone but the damaged she caused was deeper than I thought.