Her Inner Strength

Boy Crazy

I just wanted someone to love me. I hated myself so I thought if I had someone to love me, I wouldn't have to focus on myself. I wanted attention and I sought the wrong kind of attention. I also thought, my physical virginity was stolen from me so why does it matter?
I had a phone and a Facebook with unlimited freedoms. My dad never checked my phone or went through my messages. Except the one time I accidentally forgot to log out of Facebook on our desktop computer. How horrific that was. I know he saw everything because he took my phone away and grounded me from the computer. I could see the messages he was looking at behind him as he yelled at me. I was horrified.
I discovered sexting. I thought sex was how you earned love. I started sexting when I was about 14 Sending nude photos of myself, having phone sex if my dad wasn't home or when he was asleep. It became addicting to me. I was getting attention.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I had sex for the first time, and the second time, the third time and so on. I had sex with anyone who would give me attention. It was a new form of self harm for me.
One of the guys I had a texting/sexting relationship with ended up dying the Memorial Day weekend before school was letting out. That sent me into mental turmoil. My dad didn't understand and told me "he was too old for you anyways, get over it" my body count rose even higher. I slept with guys illegally older than me. One guy was here from out of town for work. I told him I wasn't actually 18 but I put out and knew what I was doing.
I was home alone a lot so I would sneak around almost all the time. I'd have guys come over while my dad was at work. One guy was in Ohio from Virginia, three hours away at a college. He drove all the way to my house to hook up. I was 15 at the time.
The rush I got from meaningless hookups was a drug to me. I was addicted. This was a struggle for me for years.
Then I discovered smoking pot.