I'm doing good right?
Doing great!
Making so much progress
Going to school,
Going to lessons,
No sh,
No ed,
No unaliving,
Grades are improving,
Handling everything brilliantly!
Right?
Personally, I feel as if I'm a box of juice
Being drained of my insides
Being crushed to get the last of it out
Arms being ripped
Being played with by everyone
Then temporarily re-inflated with air
And questioned as to why I can't stand anymore?
Every day I'm battling not only thoughts but physical sensations
I'm mentally, physically exhausted
I feel empty and drained
But I'm doing great!
I'm doing so so great
I guess this is character building right?
I'll look back and be thankful,
But right now I don't know if it's worth it,
To be able to look back and be thankful?
I've lost everything,
Everything has changed
I'm clinging onto the only control I have left,
Control over myself and my actions
Keep my composure.
Being "productive" is almost like sh at this point
I bathe in the pain of my heart racing
Smile when I'm digging my nails into my palm
Laugh at my muscles spasming
Enjoy keeping a straight face when I think I'm dying
And if I'm honest,
I kind of enjoy throwing up,
I look forward to it
Because I know I'll be treated slightly better
And in a way,
Deep down,
I'm pleased to skip a meal
I enjoy stepping back and watching how I'm deceiving everyone around me!
Life's a game and I'm just playing it
Does that make me insane?
Have I really gone mad this time?
Maybe?
Or maybe I'm right, maybe I'm the modern Adam and Eve?
My brain is satan the snake
Maybe I'm just reaching higher consciousness
And everyone else is god and is trying to control me and control how I think
I've lost it!
If I said this I'd probably be medicated even more
Make me a walking zombie
So high on drugs I can't think.
They don't like people like me,
They don't trust us
Because we know too much,
So I simply deceive everyone
And live among them
As if I'm normal
