𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 | 𝐉𝐉 [edited]

013

Riley Carrera was a lonely girl. She had always felt if there was one word to describe her it would be lonely. It was ironic to her considering she had once shared a womb with another human for 9 months.

Perhaps what made her feel the most lonely was the thought that the time the twins had spent together in those 9 months would be the closest they would ever be to each other.

Her life had felt like a continuous practice of meeting people who never seemed to understand her. It started  the day she was born, when her parents had looked at her for the first time, and thought she was the most magnificent baby in the world.

She knew they had misunderstood her then. She would never live up to the expectations that were set upon her from her very first day on this earth.

She would never be the kind and caring sister they had wanted her to be. She would never be the scholar that would win awards for her outstanding achievements. She would never be the athlete that they worked so hard to invent by putting her in every sport imaginable. She would simply never be the daughter that they had imagined when they looked into her eyes that very first time in the hospital.

But it was because she knew this that she would spend every day of her life trying to be that daughter. The daughter they had always wanted.

This was the loneliest pursuit of life, the kind where you have to work tirelessly to shape your identity to fit the mold of someone else's idea of you.

She was lonely not because of the fact that she wasn't constantly surrounded by people who liked her; that wasn't the case as she did have a few friends she loved dearly and that loved her. It was the fact that her friends, her family, everyone that knew her, loved her for who she was not. Because she didn't even know who she was at this point. She felt like she had no identity.

All she wanted was to feel understood but how could anyone ever truly understand her if she didn't even understand herself?

She felt particularly lonely on this day, sitting on her balcony, the one currently absent of a railing, dangling her feet off the edge and staring out across the neighborhood. Her parents were out of town for the weekend, Kiara was off with the Pogues as usual, and not a single one of her friends, not Topper, not Sarah, and not even Kelce were answering.

These stubborn thoughts of not being good enough, not knowing who she was, and never being understood plagued her mind intensely on this particular day. She didn't feel like being alone with them.

She decided she would go over to the Cameron's in hopes that Sarah was just napping, as she usually was when she wasn't answering her phone.

"Oh hey," Riley greeted the Cameron's youngest daughter when she opened the door to their house. "Is Sarah home?"

"Yeah, I think I just saw her walk into my dad's office," Wheezie replied. Riley nodded her head before inviting herself in and walking up the stairs.

She knocked on the office door, with little thought as to why Sarah would be in there in the first place. She heard some hushed whispering before the blonde girl cracked open the door and stuck her head out.

"Hey, Riley." Sarah forced an awkward smile at her best friend, her eyes showing evident panic. "What are you doing here?"

"Uh hey," Riley said hesitantly, noticing the girl's anxious vibe. "Thought I'd just stop by, see if you wanted to do something..." She trailed off trying to make sense of the situation. "Hey, why are you in Ward's office?"

"Um," Sarah bit her lip and turned her head to look back into the office. This allowed Riley to stand on her toes and try and see what or who Sarah kept glancing at behind her.

"John B?" Riley said immediately as she recognized the brunette boy sitting on the couch.

"Riley?" he stood up, furrowing his brows.

Sarah whipped her head back to the girl that was still standing outside the door. Riley had a large grin on her face and her eyes were wide as she looked at her best friend.

"So uh-"

"Well," Riley said, cutting off her friend. "I think I'm just gonna head home. I'll leave y'all to it."

"Riley," Sarah warned the girl.

Riley brought her hand up to her lips, making a locking motion like she was turning a key, and turned her back to Sarah. She quickly made her way downstairs, a smile still lingering on her face from what she had just seen, when suddenly she bumped into someone turning the corner just at the bottom of the stairs.

"Riles," Rafe said under his breath as he scanned the girl up and down, a small smile appearing on his lips.

"Rafe," Riley curtly responded, trying to move around him and out the door. He grabbed her wrist, all similar to the events that had happened just the day before, and her body was jerked backward to face him.

"Riley, listen-"

"Forget it," she said, shaking off his grip and turning back toward the door.

"Riley, come on" the boy followed her as she left the house and began to walk across the lawn toward her car. "Let me make it up to you!"

She paused, her back still facing him, but considered words carefully. She slowly turned around as he caught up to where she was standing.

"Alright Rafe," Riley said. "You gonna apologize?"

"Yeah, yeah," Rafe said hurriedly, "I'm sorry, alright, I'm sorry." He was breathing rapidly and his eyes wouldn't stay focused on her, they glanced from her face to the ground, to beyond her, to the sky. She could tell he was on something. "Come on, I'm sorry."

"Okay," Riley said, biting the inside of her cheek, ready to turn around again toward her car.

"Come on," he said. "Let me... uh... how about..." His voice trailed off as his eyes lit up, an idea clearly coming to the forefront of his mind. He reached into his pocket and pulled something out, Riley took one glance at it and confirmed her suspicions. "You want some of this?"

Riley looked at the blunt propped between his pointer finger and his thumb and considered his offer. Her mind was telling her no, the pit that was forming in her stomach told her no, and yet she couldn't help but let the devil that sat on her shoulder, the one that had been reminding her all morning how lonely and worthless she was, say, "Sure, why not."