Not His Dream Girl

Bad Decisions all Around

The first thing I noticed when I came to was that my pillow was not mine. My usually hard pillow would never sink in this much. This put me on high alert, and my eyes snapped open at once.

The view of a vaguely familiar hotel room appeared with its cheap perfume smell, old gray 90s carpeting, and boring beige curtains, all of which I could barely see as it was dark here. The smell entered my nostrils, and an immediate headache sat on my forehead. This reminded me that Lucky and I went out for drinks last night. In fact, Lucky and I had spent every other day together after work since that day in my office.

I looked over, half my eyes closed, to the space next to me, expecting to find Lucky, but it was empty. Once I mustered up enough courage to fully open my eyes, I found my phone somewhere on the too-soft bed to get the time.

It was only 5:10 in the morning. Lucky must have sneaked out in the middle of the night. It was not like Lucky to cuddle and get breakfast the next morning. A part of me was relieved he wasn't there so I could regret my decisions in company. A part of me was a bit embarrassed that I let some asshole use me, and he wasted no more than 30 minutes of his day on me. I slammed my head down on the pillow, and thoughts of my life falling at the seams began to flood my mind. The headache from the four shots and three tequila sunrises also didn't help this feeling of shame. So I decided not to stay in a dingy hotel room (I didn't even expect him to pay top dollar to get me into bed) and get away. I didn't know where I would go, but I was not staying here.

****

I wandered around in my car, first driving to my empty apartment, but decided that would not help my mood much. I contemplated going to my parent's house and sneaking into my childhood bedroom. My parents' house was big enough for them not to notice that I had crept in, but what would happen at seven when we were all waking up to go to work? I would have to answer double the questions. So I drove past both those options and ended up back to work. I swiped my id to enter the low secure building. I said hey to Jen, one of our nurses operating the main desk, and went straight to room 217.

I softly opened the door, though not like it mattered. It wasn't like Nick would wake up all of a sudden. Then, as usual, I dragged my chair closer—the guest chair—closer to the bed.

Taking his hands plugged into one of the billion machines surrounding him, and I gave him a light squeeze. He was cold to the touch, so I moved up the blanket so both our hands were under it.

"I miss you so much!" I said, clearing my throat as it was starting to get tight. "Lucky wouldn't ever happen if you were awake." I squeezed his hand a bit harder, hoping against hope he would squeeze back, and that thought broke me despite coming here to have someone to distract me from feeling lonely. To come to shoot the shit with my friend, like I had been doing the past two years, but today I needed more. I needed him to grab me by the shoulders and tell me my recent decisions were wrong. I wanted to argue with Nick like I used to. I wanted him to criticize my clearly awful choice, and I wanted to tell him he had no right. "God, I haven't cried in front of you since junior prom. Remember when your stupid friend stood me up." I said, wiping my tears and clearing my throat. The memory of Nick finding his friend the following Monday in school and punching him in his face flashed by. They both got suspended for two days. His mother would have almost kicked him out of the house if it wasn't for me explaining his reasons and profusely apologizing. We were a unit back then. Best friends. Nothing more, but never anything less.

I got back up and kissed his forehead, lingering for a few seconds to try and find the familiar smell Nick held of mint and coconuts, but it wasn't there. "I should have told you I loved you that day before Melissa came into the picture. I should have told you how I felt. Even if you didn't feel the same," I said, and a heavy weight lifted off of me. This secret I had been carrying for years was finally in the air. The same air that Nick was breathing. I hovered over him for a few more, looking hopefully at his eyes. Maybe, just maybe, this moment of confession might energize him enough to wake him up, but nothing like that happened. Deciding to stay here no longer, I whispered, "See you at lunch," before walking out and closing the door behind me.