Never The Same

Chapter Twelve

A déjà vu moment occurred when I woke up to a room filled with some people. Jenna and Miss Kent were there, but I didn't see Luke. I didn't think he would come and part of me didn't want him to. But the other part was begging him to come save me.

"Are you alright Ellie," Jenna asks.

"I'm as good as I'll ever be," I respond.

I don't know why, but I feel tired and disoriented. The bell rings and I jump. Miss Kent says her goodbyes and heads back to her room for her last class of the day. I rub my eyes and see Jenna in the hallway talking to some teacher I didn't recognize.

"I have to go," Jenna says as she walks back in. "I've been offered the opportunity to take a trip to D.C."

"When will you be back," I asked.

"I should be back Monday, if all goes well." She takes my hand and rubs her thumb on the back of it. "Good luck."

"I'll miss you," I say while smiling.

She smiles back and if I looked close enough I could see the water in her eyes. "I wish I could be here to help you, and I'm really sorry I can't."

"It's only four days, trust me, I'll be fine."

"I know you will." She hugs me and leaves. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wouldn't be here when she came back. But, it kind of already seemed like she knew.

I feel as if I grown closer to Jenna, but at the same time, I feel as if we've drifted apart. And I'm not really sure how or why I feel like that. I just do, and I can't explain it. My heart is broken either way. It kills me to think that we are so close and I have to leave her, but it also kills me to think that one of my greatest friends won't be there when I need support.

My life is just one big mess and I'm trying to fix it, but I don't know how. Nothing seems to be able to undo the huge problem that I've created. Maybe it would all go away if I just didn't exist. I've caused all of these people pain. The have to deal with the agony I've caused. Everyone has to worry about me. Maybe they wouldn't if I were dead.

After all, who would really miss me?

I just cause my mother to worry, she'd be better off without me. The only reason she stays with Tom is to protect me. Jenna might miss me, but why would she ever want to be friends with a person who basically murdered her sister and best friend. It was probably just pity. And Luke just wanted to fill the void where his sister died. But he just ended up blaming me for her death. That's what he wanted. Someone to blame. I was that person. Miss Kent is just watching out for me. It's the only reason she's a history teacher. I'm the reason.

"How are you feeling," my mom walks in.

"Fine."

"Just fine?" She was wearing sunglasses, which I thought was strange.

"Yeah, it's been a rough week."

A nurse walks in taking notes on a clipboard. "She is free to go, once she take the pills next to her on the stand."

I put the pills in the palm of my hand and pop them in my mouth. I swallow and stand up, ready to leave. I go out of the school with my mom and she drives home.

"What are the sunglasses for," I ask.

"Nothing, Tom bought them for me. I really like them, don't you?"

I heard the tone in her voice. She was lying. I always could tell when she was. It was the faintest little change in her voice. She was focused on the road, so I tilted her glasses up and saw a large black and blue bruise around her eye.

"Mom," I said concerned.

"I'm alright, just a little bit dizzy."

"You can't keep-"

"Can we talk about this later sweetie?"

"Yeah, I guess."

I say in the car, looking out the window. The radio wasn't on and my mom wasn't talking. It's normally not like this. The only time I remember a silent car is when Emma died and I escaped. My mom really missed Emma, I could tell, although she wanted me not to. Every song that came on reminded her of Emma, and she couldn't take it any longer.

I guess I finally know how Emma felt when she killed herself. It's hard to be in that position. I always looked up to her, because she was so strong. Feeling like you've caused all the pain everyone is going through is tough to live with. But she managed it. I don't think anyone realized her problems until it was too late. I just hope she knows how much we all miss her. I remember a time when I couldn't imagine living without Emma.  And now that's all I know.

We got home and I saw Tom's car was missing. He was probably out drinking at a bar or club somewhere. I was expecting that and as I got out of the car, I told my mom to pack quickly.

"Why," she asked.

"We don't have long, you can leave him behind."

"I appreciate your concern, but he'll just find us again."

"No, he won't. I called a favor from a friend. We found you a new life in Pennsylvania. A new name, new car, new apartment. Please, I don't want him to hurt you anymore."

"And what about the next girl he goes after?"

"I've already got this planned out, just trust me."

"Okay, but we don't have long."

"I know, let's hurry."

I went up to my room. I packed a suitcase full of clothes and grabbed the two necklaces and the picture of my father, sister and I. I took some other necessities and sentimental items. My mom was packing a few things in a bag. I helped get more stuff ready and brought it out the the moving van. She was ready to start a new life. And I wasn't, but I knew I had to.

"Are you alright Ella," my mom asked. There were tears in my eyes, and I never knew how hard it was going to be. "What's wrong? I thought you wanted this."

"I do, I really do. It's just that I can't go with you mom."

"Why not? You have to, I'm not leaving you."

"It was apart of the deal I made with my friend. But I'll be okay."

"I would have never-" she pause.

"I know, that's why I didn't let you have a choice. I'll be fine, I promise."

She starts to cry, and I cry too. We hug for a while and don't let go. Neither of us said anything, because there really is no way to say goodbye.

"You have to go," I say. "We're running out of time."

She gets in the vehicle and the driver presses the gas peddle. The van moves and she waves goodbye.

"I love you."

"I love you too."