Heaven Knows

1.5: Anna

Heaven Knows OST: ♫ Shelter by Birdy ♫

Chapter 1.5:  Anna

Dear Diary,

The doctor said I might not have enough time to live in this world. I think I already know that. I own my body. I own my head. I perfectly know what’s happening to me. I am not numb to feel the ache and the pain. But neither I am strong enough to stop it when it starts burning and it hurts.

Being allowed to live in a short period of time doesn’t seem enough to learn and live life the way you want it to be when you’re bound to forget everything that is you know. Cancer is a parasite. It is not a curse but it makes you feel broken as you already are inside.

I did not cry. I didn’t want to feel that sadness take over me. So I let the skies do the crying.

After the prognosis I told Mama to go ahead because I want to be alone and have a walk in the park. She hesitated at first. I know she wanted to talk things with me. The sadness that she feels showed on the red patches on her eyes. But she’s strong. I think I got that strength from her. Plastering a painful smile, she nods with understanding.

I settled on a swing at the park. It’s the same swing I used to play with my dad when I was five. Mostly, during Sundays after mass we would swing by before going home. This chained swing had been a witness to my joy and unending laughter and now it’s still here to pay witness and comfort me through the sadness.

The clouds were grey. They too, mourn for me. I have waited for its tears to fall but it seems like it’s waiting for something like a last chance passenger on a plane or a trigger to pour down the rain. I put my foot forward and I let it down, drawing a sad face on the ground.

As if hearing my plea, one by one rain started to pour down its droplets. It dawned on the sad face I made on the ground making it look like it shed its tears. It made my eyes burn so I left.

I’ve decided to take pleasure in riding the train instead of the bus. Taking the bus would take a lot of my wasted time. The train is much faster in my opinion.

I realized that there are over a billion people in the world. A billion of people feeling a thousand or a million of feelings each day. Would the world even notice if it loses one earthling?

It’s much safer not to feel.

All these people are anonymous to me. All these people don’t know each other even if they passed by each other every day in the same train station. Nobody pauses. Nobody. Because every day is as fast pacing as the revolution of time. And the reason why so many people are miserable, sick and disoriented is because of an unhealthy attachment to the things they have no control over.

Just like life and death…

In that point in my life, I was ready to embrace death. If I fall, there would be no wings to take me up. I closed my eyes as I feel the enormity building in but I was dragged away. I opened my eyes and they adjusted on a boy. I don’t know him but I was in the circle of him arms. The touch was warm and almost comforting. He had the bluest of eyes like the intensity of the ocean gushing to form in tidal waves. They cautiously seek me.

Are you okay?

It dawned on me like a shadow that a boy with no connection to me would actually care and save my life from a thousand of people. It irritated me in the immense sense that I don’t want to be saved.

I know that it’s not his fault that I have cancer and I’m imminently dying. But he should have stayed with his own business.

Without Wax,

Anna