Heaven Knows

14.5: Anna

Heaven Knows OST: ♫ When the darkness comes by Carrie Underwood ♫

Chapter 14.5: Anna

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it scares me to be happy because every time I’m happy, something goes wrong and I get hurt.

Today is Judgment Day. I had to roll my eyes while writing that. In literature, it could be The Hunger Game’s Reaping Day; Divergent’s Choosing Ceremony; Kiera Cass’s The Selection. Have I said enough? But in the real world it could be simply stated as a date.

I do like to complicate things. It’s a hidden talent. But then life’s never easy. So why prolong the agony? I am one of those fortunate souls who was gifted an advance ticket to a life after life. But you know what’s ironic? You get to be happy when you’re about to lose everything.

I’m not done yet. Today is a very special day I like to call “Mama’s Day”. It’s not mother’s day, no, it’s definitely not. It’s just a day that happens to be a Sunday where I let my mama asked me all the questions that bother her about me and I answer her without hesitation, interruption and lies. I think she deserves it after sharing a pound of my personal pain.

So, as soon as I sat on my dining chair she didn’t waste any time at all and she started interrogating me. Top topic: DOMINIC SAVIO.

“I’m going out on a date.” I told my breakfast which is composed of two sunny side-ups and a smiling bacon.

I took a peek at mama who tries to hide her smile at me.

She cleared her throat as soon as she managed to right herself. “I see that you’re both making a progress.” She reached for my hand and she laid on a gentle squeeze of encouragement. “I’m so happy for you, Anna.”

I smiled back in return. “Thanks, mama.”

“Is he going to pick you up at the hospital?” she asked and it dawned on me. It’s also “Check-up Day”. Right.

Maybe I should go and see Dr. Newman since it became my habit to forget things already and I am not very please to know that it has been a habit. Almost a daily habit.

I toyed with my bacon. “No.”

I looked up only to find the puzzled look on mama’s face. “You didn’t tell him, didn’t you?”

I sighed as I leaned back on my seat.

“Anna,” she chastised. “He has the right to know.”

I made a see-saw out of my fork. “He doesn’t have to hear what other complications I have. I don’t want him to know how badly sick I am.”

“You’re being selfish again, Anna.” Mama said.

I gripped on the handle of my fork as silence passed by our table. I looked back at my breakfast and it doesn’t seem to appeal to me anymore.

“I never meant to hurt anyone. I intended to keep the hurt in me. I meant to torment myself with the silence. But it seems that I’m not the proper prison to cage the pain.”

Mama rubbed the back of my hand and she gave me a soft, understanding smile. “It’s a matter of purpose, Anna. If you’re going to hurt someone, do it on purpose. If you’re going to love someone, do it on purpose. If you’re going to give up, do it on purpose. The walls that hide you from the world, you did that on purpose. Dominic loves you and if I can take the pain, how much more will he?” I tried not to cry in front of my mom and her reassuring smile made me feel like everything is going to be okay even if it’s not. “Love is a purpose, Anna. He’ll be alright.”